The past couple of months have certainly been a growing experience for me. Once we feel we have begun to hit that plateau of knowledge, God finds a clever way of humbling us, yet again. I find myself overcoming one challenge, to find myself at the foothills of yet another one.
Jerry Falwell always said "Either you just came out of something, going through something, or about to go into something". Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm writing today, just a shade over 2 months of being unemployed. Of course I have been able to do some work here and there, but nothing called permenant. This entire time I have been saying "God I trust you", believing it to my core, but lately I have found myself feeling a bit more "rocked". I really felt convicted the other night while doing my devotions, where Abrahm and Sarai could not have a child. They take matters into their OWN hands, even after God had promised them they would be the Father of many nations; only to have a son named Ishmael out of wedlock; and to be cursed.
I have been pushing, trying to knock down doors for a job (basically seeking work anywhere), and I remembed God telling me where he wanted to place me; Liberty University. I firmly believe that, but I just lost focus and was going every which direction frantically trying to make things work. I even took an interview in Danville, Va, hoping to find a job. I realized this week that I am not spiritually mature enough to handle working there. No offense to my grandparents, they are wonderful! But I know that satan would have his way with me while I was there, I would be so ungrounded, having nothing to hold me accountable. I would have to turn down that position because I know, God knows, I am not strong enough to do that. I have worked out of town before and it is TOUGH.
On top of that, God had to convict me of some behaviors I have chosen as of late. Trying to deal with moving on, relationship-wise, I started to meet new people, date. Wow. Only to realize that my heart isn't going to budge right now. All these people that I will try to hang out with, they will want more, more that I can't give. So, in one girl's eyes I am now an "ass", because I can't lead her on. It's not that I don't want to move on, but I realize that I can't make my loneliness a problem for others. I can't be selfish. I am amazed that God gave me that conviction and the strength to actually follow through with it!
Just a word of caution; there are no such thing as casual friendships or dating, or whatever. Emotions get invovled, fast. You will only end up either breaking someones heart, breaking your own, or getting into a relationship with someone that you wish NEVER happened. You can but a band aid on the wound, but that only traps the infection inside, which will spread......
I am really excited about the great things that God has in store for me this summer! I just have to keep my eyes on him and really seek after the things that he has spoken to me. When God speaks, don't forget his promises, because when you try doing it on your own, you only find yourself more broken and confused than you were in the first place!
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