On The Upward Swing...

It has been a while since I made my last post; things have certainly been pretty crazy for me. Perhaps I should have turned to his forum a bit sooner to help vent my frustrations; instead I think I was kind of like the deer in the middle of the road, blinded by the lights, paralyzed at the legs....

So a little over 3 weeks ago I lost my job with Central Va Community Services. For those of you who follow my status' at all on facebook I'm sure you have seen lots of complaining on my behalf of kids hitting staff. For those you don't, yeah that's what happened.

Our kids were flipping out all the time, throwing stuff at staff, hitting them, cursing, completely out of control. I kept saying for a long time "We need protocol for when kids hit staff"... I was told to "deal with it". So this continued on for some time, being abused by kids, feeling hopeless and unsupported by those around me. After being kicked between the legs numberous times I had about had enough. So the company had seen I was getting frustrated, tried to find me another placement so they said, and then let me go. That was the scariest, yet happiest moment I had experienced in a long time....

So the job hunt began, working part time with David and Cecil, trying to make the ends meet. I had several quick interviews, one job offer that I didn't want to take, and really just handed everything over to God; asking him to open doors for me, closing the wrong ones. Well, just turns out that I accepted a position yesterday for a job in Roanoke, Va as a Mental Health Supports Supervisor. Basically, the job that I was the least qualified for, I was offered first! How does that work again? The other interviews I nailed and was very qualified for.... this job however is certainly a blessing from God and I'm going to take every effort to glorify him with it!

So I start Monday and I am extremely excited! Hmm... so got a wisdom tooth cut out this past monday, our volleyball season for city league started Tuesday, we won 3 out of 5.

So right now I'm excited for the weekend and can't wait to spend some time with Jess. God is good right now and I just really challenge anyone and everyone to trust in the Lord, you are in the position that you are for a reason. He is directing your path and as long as you know that, you know that he will bring you through anything. When the Lord is on your side, whom then shall you fear?

One Well of a Weekend

So this past weekend turned out to be quite the experience! It started off well with a call from my brother, inviting Jessica and I go to out to dinner with him and Lara. We had a nice dinner at Chi Chans; sort of ended up being a mini celebration for Lara who got a new job! Woohoo!! It was nice for the 4 of us to just hang out and really spend some time together. It's nice to finally see my brother and I truly happy.... Thank God.

So Saturday morning the adventure begins! I go over to my grandparent's house with David to help fix their well. So we do some minor work, go to pull up the pump a bit; everything is fine. Later I accidentally dropped an adapater that was VERY difficult to get out of the hole it was already in. Well, we set the pump back down, further than where it originally rested. So when we try to pull the pump back up.... it won't budge! Yes, that's right, it won't budge. So we try to pull it up all together (John has arrived by this point), and I suddenly feel a sharp pain in my lower back. So I spend the rest of the day leaning over like an old fart. So then David manages to break a metal T while trying to maneuver this thing out...... down goes everything..... so there is a pump and pipe sitting atleast 55ft from the surface. So unless we can fish it out.... they have to drill a new well :(

So I'm typing this up while being nicely medicated with pain killers and muscle relaxers. I think the cortisone shot helped; but the doctor thinks that I have a Herniated disc. Yippee...... this stuff makes my face itch! Atleast it stops the pain!

So that was my wonderful weekend in short haha. Good grief. I'm ready for the next weekend and Wild Fire weekend. Ok, this was a short entry, but I'm tired. Gnight

Determined to Overcome: My Churchly Frustration

So over a year ago I found myself in quite the crossroads; where I had to choose between the path inwhich I was heading (a miserable self-destructive relationship), or walk away in hopes of finding something, anything, that would bring peace to my life. Being someone who looks to others for wisdom, I sought out the advice from a well respected council at Thomas Road Baptist Church. Here, is where I found myself more hurt and confused than before I stepped into his office.

The first words out of this man's mouth were "Real Men Don't Leave". I came to this man for advice, reassurance, validation. Instead this man takes the first opportunity to cut me off at the knees and further destroy an Ego that I was soo strongly trying to restore, after being beaten down as a man for years. I thought this person would offer me hope, lift my spirits up, show me who I was through my creator, God. Instead he preceeds to tell me how hard his first year of marriage was; as he was married to a former Miss USA. His stories were heart wrenching, no man likes being yelled at while vaccuuming. I found myself feeling as if I was put on trial, guilty before proven innocent. I do realize that his position does require him to encourage couples to stay together, to fight through it all because they had taken a vow to God. Although his stance was accurrate; his message lost love, hope, compassion.

I further prayed to God to give me some kind of assitance in my current crisis; I made the decision to walk out of that marriage, to step out into a place where I was left to fend completely for myself. But most importantly, a place where I felt that no matter what, no matter who, NO ONE could keep me from following the desire to serve the God that LOVED ME FIRST. As time went by God continued to bring peace and redemption to my life; finding myself connected to the most amazing woman I had ever met (Jessica), as well as her family, healing my spirit and character from the inside out. I found myself beginning to act like a MAN. Someone who had a purpose, someone who had value to his life. No one can truly understand what it is like to not feel like a man unless you have been there, but in short; you feel worthless and completely incompetent in no matter what you do...... So REAL men don't leave eh? Real men also don't stay in the fire to needlessly sacrifice themselves either.

Why am I ranting about this now? Well, this morning as Jessica and I were making our way out of church we were approached by this man and his wife. Here I am, leaving excited about the message, about how God delivers people from certain death, from the Lions Den, when you are faithful and trust in him. I had made some great decision where I refused to compromise any longer; one of which was leaving the band I had been playing with for about 2 months.

This man proceeds to tell me how when we "try to fix a fix a fix a fix", that it takes God that much longer to work and fix our lives. I was so outraged!!!! He basically told me further how big of a mistake I had made by leaving Melinda.... as I stand there beside the most amazing woman that I have ever come across that has been such a healing for me... this man tried to take away from that! I swear to you I wanted to punch him right in the mouth! I could not believe that audacity of this man to tell me what was right and wrong for me. I spent the ride home in tears; outraged, frustrated, wronged, filled with doubt.... all of this because a man that could have been happy for me decides to tell me how I have screwed up.... Screw you man, screw you!

I know that I was no angel in my marriage to Melinda and I certainly made a fair shair of my mistakes; I am not taking away from that. But seriously, a minor scolding about how you don't know how to vaccuum?!? Before you read this, this could be quite personal and read at your own risk........

THIS SECTION HAS BEEN DELETED (after careful review felt it was too personal to be public).... your welcome mother


So Mr. WHOM I will not say, I have OVERCOME 100xs the crap that you will ever have to deal, and I will continue to overcome life's obstacles, my bad decisions. But I refuse to be disrespected and have my pride stripped from anyone other than my Creator, Savior, Merciful Giver; Jesus Christ. I answer to him and only him. I will pray daily for you, for I do not want those who aren't as secure as I am to take your ill guided tongue lashing blabber and feel more pathetic for themselves than they already do. Christ gives Life, Love, Peace.

Peace.

I am entitled to OVERCOME.

Holden Beach Update :)

Col 3:23- Whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men......

So I am relaxing down at my favorite place in the world, Holden Beach, N.C. We had quite the bumpy road though getting here mainly because the house we were suppose to rent got double booked!- and we got shafted! So we managed to find another place; which is actually quite nicer in my opinion.

Tonight we all (myself, my mom, David, Jessica, and Cecil) went surf fishing this evening; quite the blast I must say. I found myself getting quite frustrated early though, often reeling my line in without any bait! One time my line actually snapped!...grrrr.. So Jessica and I were fishing side by side, thinking that we were tangled, but instead pulled two fish in..... mine was a Lady Fish... how queer is that right? Jessica proved to be quite the fisher"lady" tonight, only her 2nd time out there and caught four fish... and a crab :) Shes's a special one :)

This was my catch of the evening; a 7lb Red Drum. Jessica and I were talking and I thought I got a bite, thought I set the hook...... but then my line went completely slack! My thought was "AHHHH my line broke, AGAIN!"... As I make my way back up the beach my line just takes off... woohoo, I got a fish! As I try reeling this bad boy in the winder on the reel breaks! So I'm running up the beach yelling for help because I can't real, thankfully I am able to drag this sucker in haha.... This provided major redemption to my evening :)

So David manages to snag a 14lb Black Tip shark. Apparently he put up quite the fight for him too. It was pretty cool to see this sized shark; we guessed had to be about 3.5-4 feet long.... I guess there is not reason to explain why David was grinning!

So Jess and I had a great time fishing together and I am really thankful that we have been given this time to spend together... I say this as she is sitting next to me.... but hey, she updated her blog too! :) I guess I should go spend some time with her! Adios folks!

Rocking Tuesday Out and a Weekend Recap

I got to work this morning really early to just allow myself some chill time, get all my ducks in a row, and prepare for another day in paradise! Yesterday our kids were actually pretty good compared to the way we ended the school year. I just hope that it continues on this path because I've certainly learned not to pray to God for patience!

Friday night our softball game didn't happen, the other team forfeitted. Which really upsets me because I think it's completely unsportsmanlike to just not show up at all! We really wanted to play! We are in 4th place and the tournament starts next week, we shall see what happens!

Since the game was cancelled, Jess and I headed early up to Richmond to help my Dad out. It was too short of a visit with him but was able to get some trim around some outside windows replaced. Had a nice storm that blew threw midday which REALLY cooled things off; that I was thankful for! My dad appears to be doing a lot better, getting a little bit better each day, finding his personality a little more each time I see him. I'm definitely thankful to God and give him the continuous glory for all that he's done so far for him.

Jessica and I got to spend Sunday together, went to church, followed by lunch with my mom and David, and his cousin and his wife. Then Jessica and I pretty much did nothing, oh yeah, wait, we watched "Before The Devil Knows You're Dead".... horrible movie with Ethan Hawk. Blah! Haha. Man it was rediculous. But we had dinner, ate out on the porch and had a good chat which was really nice. We had time to really analyze our relationship and see where we want each other to improve, as well as making room for God to improve. I truly love her and she's an amazing woman, God has certainly blessed me with her.

Had band practice last night which went pretty well. I'm beginning to get really excited about some of the stuff that we are working on and where God will be leading me with this group. There is a lot of talent and things are really beginning to click with us. Hopefully soon we can start laying down some tracks for a demo. As far as we know, we are looking to have our first gig/show at the end of September. That should give us plenty o time to get our act fully together we hope haha!

Hope everyone has a blessed day!

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God; this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His good please and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2

Darker Nights

I carry on, stumbling in the the dark
But I'm not alone, by his blood he left his mark
Only to prevail, through the pain of this world
Alone I have failed, in your strength I'm alive

Chorus
And I will follow you,
into Darker nights
Where you hold me down,
Break beneathe the sky

You feel so alive,
Reaching for my life
Will you hold me down?
Or break these chains and fly?

I struggle too, believing in anything but you
But you'll find a way, to break my heart today
And You will carry on, guiding me through the pain
Where all hope is gone, you reach out and call my name

Chorus
And I will follow you,
into Darker nights
Where you hold me down,
Break beneathe the sky

You feel so alive,
Reaching for my life
Will you hold me down?
Or break these chains and fly?

(Tenative work in progress)..... feedback would be great, still needs some work

Tonic and More

So I am sitting here at work listening to the Charles Billingsly cd, the one from his live performance at Thomas Road. Let me tell ya, it's amazing how crazy this thing can set my attitude for the day! It's definitely a true blessing.

So Jess and I got away last weekend and went to Raleigh, NC to Moore Square Park for a free concert. Got to see Tonic and Marcy's Playground. Not really a fan of MP but was able to shake hands and meet the bass player who seemed pretty cool. Tonic definitely put on a great show and those guys really showed me how music should be performance; with a smile and with passion! They were soo incredibly passionate about the music and you could tell that they missed playing together; maybe this could mean another Tonic album? :) So Jessica and I had a great time, despite getting back home at 2:30 in the morning.... wahhh!

So work today has been entertaining... not. I have gone through charts and dated signatures for people that typed their notes. Apparently there has to be an authentic date beside the signature if they are not hand written.... my skills today were put to some great use today! Worked it out so I have Friday off, hopefully if they weather permits Jessica and I can put the canoe in before our softball game! Keeping my fingers crossed :)

As far as things with the band, they have been going really well. The other guitar player quit so now I am playing guitar and singing... back to my comfort zone! We recorded a song the other night, poor quality though, still need to set things up ride, but the song definitely has some potential. Just have to work on some vocal parts for myself and find a way to tame the drummer! Haha.... it's always the drummers! Jonathan (the other guitar player) and I seem to have pretty good chemistry with writing music; that has me very excited. He wants to start working on a Myspace soon so hopefully I can have a play to direct some of you people sometime! I think God has certainly blessed me with this opportunity to express myself... and boy am I doing just that.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. "Be joyful always; pray continually; gives thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for in Christ Jesus."

10th Avenue North

So I pulled out an old cd from last summer, 10th Avenue North. Immediately the cd just evoked so many crazy emotions, reminding me of the place that I was this time last year. God has brought me so far from the place that I stood a year, year and a half ago. I no longer have to walk around with my head down, being comfortably numb in my feelings of inadequacies. No more fighting, within, or with others. No more being devalued and disregarded.

I'm very frustrated right now that God has brought me through so many things in my life, salvaging my life from the ruins that it had been with my marriage, then divorce, to the amazing relationship that I have with Jessica today. I still find myself taking things for granted, taking advantage of the circumstances that I have been given, the blessings. I feel like I've allowed myself to fall back into square one, losing my true appreciation for God's grace and his blessings. Passion, the energy and fervor for life, love, friends.... seems to be a struggle to find at times.

I'm longing again for my relationship with God. I feel him knocking down the walls of my heart, through the tears that he brings down my face. I'm tired of being stubborn and trying to acheive everything in life on my own. I'm tired of serving myself and persuing the desires that will only bring my non-eternal joy. I want to be filled, renewed.....

I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?

Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?

Counseling today as aboslutely amazing. Everytime I go I fill so uplifted, seeing the different sides of God that promotes healing, evokes such strong passionate emotions. Today I've just begun to realize that everything in life is more than just a choice; its a value of importance. How we choose to make our decisions directly reflects the level of importance we have towards said thing. If I am choosing to sin, I am telling God that he is not important to me. Same as if I choose something over Jessica, I am communicating the same thing. I've slowly begun my down that slippery slope of selfishness and I'm tired of it. I'm ready to be a servant, ready to put myself second, or last.

Yeah, I feel You fallin'
Like the rain against my skin
And I hear You calling
Your voice like thunder in my head
But now I am stallin'Cuz I'm afraid to let you in
Yeah, come break me down with Your mercy
Come break me down again

I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours, You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Won't You break me

I just pray that God breaks these walls down and continues to bring healing into my life.

Cuz I need your strength to feel this weak
I need your touch to fill my need
I need your strong hands to carry me
Take me, break me, set me free....

It's not that I want God to heal me, but I need him too. No longer can I allow pride and self-sufficient attempts to persevere. I'm definitely starting with the small things.

Goodnight

A Restful Weekend...

Woohoo it's the weekend! So last night we were suppose to have our softball game but the other team had to forfeit since they did not have enough players. It kind of stunk, but yet, was nice to just scrimmage and goof off for the evening. Apparently though when I am having fun I joke in ways that I shouldn't!..... So yeah, I wasn't hitting very well and my next to last time up to bat I see the center fielder cheating in... and I was lucky enough to hit his way... and I creamed that ball haha! So yeah, I start running and see its way over his head and I shout "It's overrrr yourrr heeeaaddd".... in some weird frat boy voice... man I totally embarassed myself, aside from the fact I made it home....I apologize to Grace Baptist! Was happy though to take two easy wins and find myself some rest since I've been dealing with an obnoxious cold. The worst part has been the antiobiotics that the Dr gave me that won't let me eat!!!! Arrgggg......

So Jess convinced me into getting portraits done over at Sears. The pictures actually came out really good, aside from the hair cut that I received at Master Cuts that looks like the singal bars on a cell phone when its completely spiked up.... I think I need to pay them another visit!

So getting to enjoy a restful weekend with Jess, thankfully nothing is scheduled on the books currently! The past month's Saturdays have been..... All night softball tournament in Richmond, Trip to Pentwater Michigan, 4th of July family festivities, Topsail NC Beach, Smith Mountain Lake.... Something else.... Smith Mountain Lake again... so needless to say its time to rest! Next thing is seeing Tonic perform in Raleigh NC August 8th.

I've spent the past few days working on some music and trying to find my niche in this new group that I may be a permanent member of. We had a great practice before and really looking forward to Monday nights practice. We jammed to Silvergun and Superman by Stone Temple Pilots and an original the guitar player has.

I think this might be a great oppportunity that God is opening up for me to express myself, really move past some things, as well as witness to other people. I'm really trying to remind myself that whatever I do in life I want it to uplift God and be a witness for him. I know that I will find strength in him and I will not be able to succeed in anything life without him. Too often I find myself trying to do things on my own, without seeking his guidance. I really want to have the heart of a servant and be used for whatever opportunities that he has given me and will give me. Perhaps this blog can become sort of a personal accountability for me?

God Bless!
Steve

Just a thought.... Creed "Unforgiven"

I kept up with the prophecy you spoke
I kept up with the message inside
Lost sight of the irony of twisted faith
Lost sight of my soul and it's void
(chorus) Think I'm unforgiven to this world
Took a chance at deceiving myself To share in the consequence of lies
Childish with my reasoning and pride
Godless to the extent that I died
(chorus)
Step inside the light and see the fear of God burn inside of me The gold was put to flame to kill to burn to mold it's purity

- It bothers me that people, including myself, feel this way at times

One EXTREMELY long weekend

So this weekend started with some pretty nice storms rolling through here on Friday. Thankfully our softball game wasn't rained out; however it would have kept us from getting our butts spanked by the best team in the league. Ironically however Jessica found herself playing on their team in an all night softball tournament in Richmond.

We went up Saturday to Richmond to visit with my dad and step mom. Helped out with some pressure washing and car jumping (my car has found itself doing that several times this weekend). Had a nice, but short visit with them and really hoping that my dad will feel better soon.

So the softball tournament begins! I tried to be a head cheerleader but it was very difficult when I wanted to play too haha.... not to mention its hard to stay awake at 4 am. Jess and the team played well and were undefeated by the time we had to leave around 9:30am. Yes, they played from 9pm til the next day. I like softball, but I don't think there is anything that I could do that long without sleep!

We came straight back to Lynchburg, caught a quick nap, then headed to Peaks View Park for my.... this might be a mouthful, my mother's husband's cousin's son. Which would make him my Step 3rd cousin... right? Realized I was no good at frisby golf and only goofy people are good at it... I'm not bitter, seriously. Then got my butt handed to me in corn hole as well. All in all it was a good afternoon at the park, nice weather.

Came back to have to jump start Jessica's car, praying that it starts in the morning! Anyway, time to spend some time with my sweetheart..... movie, or nap? :) Definitely still exhausted....

Hello Hello!

So I've decided to welcome myself back to the blogging world. I used "ujournal" for the longest time through college and it was a great way to keep all the nosey critters in my life up to date. Haha, truth is it was a great way for me to vent! Thankfully though most of the stuff going on my life has been really positive so the vent sessions will hopefully be few and far between. I'll be certain to Title those blogs with some kind of "toxic" label when at all possible.

Got a busy weekend ahead of me so maybe whenever I am done with my endless adventures I'll be certain to post something. Adios