Lately I have found myself giving consideration to where I was this time last year- unemployeed, praying fervently that God would bring me a position at LU, freshly connected with my Sunday School class and so very thankful for an awesome core group of believers, slaving over remodeling Josh's bathroom, mourning the loss of a relationship, and probably one of most spiritually intune times I have ever experienced.
Last year everything was in place for me to be drawn closer to God. When you are relying on him to provide you with money to pay your bills, or random odd jobs to work to earn money, it is soo easy to submit to him. It is so frustrating that I've become a "Typical Christian"- Hey God, thanks for the help, but I'm good, seriously- self sufficient arrogance. Isn't it funny when we say, "I pride myself on not being prideful"? I think thats a common mentality of people. I miss the time where I felt I was in the palm of his hand, seeking wisdom and guidance in everything that I did.
I have basically been stumbling around for a while without much direction. Yes, I've got TONS of great ideas and goals, but have the attention of a 5yr old that has just been asked to do classwork during recess. I seem to be looking for anything and everything to keep me from committing and focusing. That in the end just equals a great disconnect from anything that has meaning. The numbing process is slow, you begin to slip to a place of being superficial and concerned with face value, not matters of the heart, which leaves sin to attack you in isolation. I am just so frustrated with myself.
Honestly, my confidence has been shaken. Shaken is probably putting it lightly. In some ways I feel God has stripped me of any applicable wisdom that I once had, where I'm confused, guessing, uncertain, and directionally challenged. Obviously there are still some things that I "know", but I feel a storm away from being shipwrecked. I can only think that someone who has amnesia would really understand the way that I feel. I suppose that this is just a way for God to say- "Be still, know I am God"- be reliant on him.
Being reliant on God is an awesome experience when you actually HEAR and LISTEN to him. I'm just falling behind in the lesson that he is trying to teach me, I've been fighting him from most angles. Unfortunately we as self preserving/serving humans can build walls extremely fast- deeply rooted from a lifetime of hurt.
Anyway, I think I will close my ranting. Maybe I just need to go outside and let out a loud scream? I'll save your ears! Gnight!
