I think we all experience different mileposts in our lives where our perspectives start to change, just like our taste buds. We find ourselves loving cheesecake and asparagus after loathing it for 27yrs. It seems though that we always gain a taste for something that we didn't like when we were younger; sometimes though we lose the taste of something we once loved.
Lately I have just found myself being torn at the seams, concerned about how all these pieces will fit together. I know in the end everything will be hemmed back together, just not certain of what it is going to "look" like, or if I will be happy with that.
There is a point in life that we all start to see things for how they truly are. Perhaps it is because our parents can no longer protect us, maybe our pursuit of higher education causes us to reevaluate everything, or maybe because the media screams at us from every possible direction. I kind of wish that I could go back to those more innocent days, then I wouldn't have to deal with all the frustration and anger that I have towards certain entities.
I recently started doing some writing on this topic as an outlet for my frustration. It rather surprised me that I was writing something that basically exposed the evil of something I have lived so passionately towards: Christianity. People certainly know how to screw that up. I may post what I have written to my blog at some point but I want to be very cautious with how I do that, and what people take from it.
Anyway, more to come later
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
That Was Then, This Is Now
Lately I have found myself giving consideration to where I was this time last year- unemployeed, praying fervently that God would bring me a position at LU, freshly connected with my Sunday School class and so very thankful for an awesome core group of believers, slaving over remodeling Josh's bathroom, mourning the loss of a relationship, and probably one of most spiritually intune times I have ever experienced.
Last year everything was in place for me to be drawn closer to God. When you are relying on him to provide you with money to pay your bills, or random odd jobs to work to earn money, it is soo easy to submit to him. It is so frustrating that I've become a "Typical Christian"- Hey God, thanks for the help, but I'm good, seriously- self sufficient arrogance. Isn't it funny when we say, "I pride myself on not being prideful"? I think thats a common mentality of people. I miss the time where I felt I was in the palm of his hand, seeking wisdom and guidance in everything that I did.
I have basically been stumbling around for a while without much direction. Yes, I've got TONS of great ideas and goals, but have the attention of a 5yr old that has just been asked to do classwork during recess. I seem to be looking for anything and everything to keep me from committing and focusing. That in the end just equals a great disconnect from anything that has meaning. The numbing process is slow, you begin to slip to a place of being superficial and concerned with face value, not matters of the heart, which leaves sin to attack you in isolation. I am just so frustrated with myself.
Honestly, my confidence has been shaken. Shaken is probably putting it lightly. In some ways I feel God has stripped me of any applicable wisdom that I once had, where I'm confused, guessing, uncertain, and directionally challenged. Obviously there are still some things that I "know", but I feel a storm away from being shipwrecked. I can only think that someone who has amnesia would really understand the way that I feel. I suppose that this is just a way for God to say- "Be still, know I am God"- be reliant on him.
Being reliant on God is an awesome experience when you actually HEAR and LISTEN to him. I'm just falling behind in the lesson that he is trying to teach me, I've been fighting him from most angles. Unfortunately we as self preserving/serving humans can build walls extremely fast- deeply rooted from a lifetime of hurt.
Anyway, I think I will close my ranting. Maybe I just need to go outside and let out a loud scream? I'll save your ears! Gnight!
Last year everything was in place for me to be drawn closer to God. When you are relying on him to provide you with money to pay your bills, or random odd jobs to work to earn money, it is soo easy to submit to him. It is so frustrating that I've become a "Typical Christian"- Hey God, thanks for the help, but I'm good, seriously- self sufficient arrogance. Isn't it funny when we say, "I pride myself on not being prideful"? I think thats a common mentality of people. I miss the time where I felt I was in the palm of his hand, seeking wisdom and guidance in everything that I did.
I have basically been stumbling around for a while without much direction. Yes, I've got TONS of great ideas and goals, but have the attention of a 5yr old that has just been asked to do classwork during recess. I seem to be looking for anything and everything to keep me from committing and focusing. That in the end just equals a great disconnect from anything that has meaning. The numbing process is slow, you begin to slip to a place of being superficial and concerned with face value, not matters of the heart, which leaves sin to attack you in isolation. I am just so frustrated with myself.
Honestly, my confidence has been shaken. Shaken is probably putting it lightly. In some ways I feel God has stripped me of any applicable wisdom that I once had, where I'm confused, guessing, uncertain, and directionally challenged. Obviously there are still some things that I "know", but I feel a storm away from being shipwrecked. I can only think that someone who has amnesia would really understand the way that I feel. I suppose that this is just a way for God to say- "Be still, know I am God"- be reliant on him.
Being reliant on God is an awesome experience when you actually HEAR and LISTEN to him. I'm just falling behind in the lesson that he is trying to teach me, I've been fighting him from most angles. Unfortunately we as self preserving/serving humans can build walls extremely fast- deeply rooted from a lifetime of hurt.
Anyway, I think I will close my ranting. Maybe I just need to go outside and let out a loud scream? I'll save your ears! Gnight!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Potential
I have realized that I need to make more time to actually write in my blog- it is certainly therapuetic.
Lately I have felt so bombarded and overwhelmed with a variety of different things. Something I am a pro at is.... distraction! Nearly a month and a half ago I landed myself in a position to audition with a band called "Eyes On Me". Shortly after the audition I found myself having to learn 6 songs in 3 weeks time to play a gig with them (which ended up being cancelled anyway). Needless to say I was practicing 3 times a week with these guys, not including my own practice time. I found myself completely consumed by this new endeavour. Which in turn, provided me a very nice escape from everything else going on in my life. I felt a lot of pressure to learn the music and honestly my sole purpose in life for nearly a month was learning these songs. Now it appears the dust has settled and I can see where my feet are placed.
This evening I went and watched the movie "The Potential Inside" which was filmed here in the Lynchburg area. I remember the last movie I saw at TRBC was a movie about Billy Graham, and I recall the impact it had on my life that Summer. I went to this movie eagerly expecting and hoping that God would speak some new revelation to me. The movie was good, granted I dont believe I left with a "wow" feeling. Obviously the movie did focus on "potential", which made me think a lot about what potential really is.
Often we hear people encouraging others telling them to reach their "maximum potential", or that "you have soo much potential". Honestly, who really believes that? Many of us, myself included, never dare to seek or dream of our potential. Why? We don't want to have to face the FEAR of failure. It's not even failure that scares us anymore; it's the FEAR of failing that is soo deeply rooted in our hearts and minds. It is much simplier to avoid the anxiety of it all but never trying.
I have come to realize this; If you are ignoring your potential because of the fear of failure, you have already failed. God's purpose for us is to serve him and flourish in the potential that he has created in us.
Frankly I am tired of riding up and down on this spiritual roller coaster- it's much easier to maintain the momentum going down than it is going up. I think being 27 now and looking back over my life I am certainly not where I want to be. Granted, where I am does not surprise God and in many ways I know I've grown.
Ya know, if a blue silly band can be a turtle, why can't I be more?
Adios :)
Lately I have felt so bombarded and overwhelmed with a variety of different things. Something I am a pro at is.... distraction! Nearly a month and a half ago I landed myself in a position to audition with a band called "Eyes On Me". Shortly after the audition I found myself having to learn 6 songs in 3 weeks time to play a gig with them (which ended up being cancelled anyway). Needless to say I was practicing 3 times a week with these guys, not including my own practice time. I found myself completely consumed by this new endeavour. Which in turn, provided me a very nice escape from everything else going on in my life. I felt a lot of pressure to learn the music and honestly my sole purpose in life for nearly a month was learning these songs. Now it appears the dust has settled and I can see where my feet are placed.
This evening I went and watched the movie "The Potential Inside" which was filmed here in the Lynchburg area. I remember the last movie I saw at TRBC was a movie about Billy Graham, and I recall the impact it had on my life that Summer. I went to this movie eagerly expecting and hoping that God would speak some new revelation to me. The movie was good, granted I dont believe I left with a "wow" feeling. Obviously the movie did focus on "potential", which made me think a lot about what potential really is.
Often we hear people encouraging others telling them to reach their "maximum potential", or that "you have soo much potential". Honestly, who really believes that? Many of us, myself included, never dare to seek or dream of our potential. Why? We don't want to have to face the FEAR of failure. It's not even failure that scares us anymore; it's the FEAR of failing that is soo deeply rooted in our hearts and minds. It is much simplier to avoid the anxiety of it all but never trying.
I have come to realize this; If you are ignoring your potential because of the fear of failure, you have already failed. God's purpose for us is to serve him and flourish in the potential that he has created in us.
Frankly I am tired of riding up and down on this spiritual roller coaster- it's much easier to maintain the momentum going down than it is going up. I think being 27 now and looking back over my life I am certainly not where I want to be. Granted, where I am does not surprise God and in many ways I know I've grown.
Ya know, if a blue silly band can be a turtle, why can't I be more?
Adios :)
Monday, January 10, 2011
Redemption?
It's been a while since I've posted, so obviously its just time to do so! So its a start of a new year and I feel like I'm becoming Jim Carey from "Yes Man"; basically I'm saying yes to new things, new experiences, and seeing where they lead me.
For starters I have been talked into doing a 10k in April with some friends. I'm certainly not big on running- in fact, I've always hated it! Most of the time it just hurt my knee and got nasty shin splits... on top of not being able to breathe haha. I started last week running and so far so good, definitely need to build up my endurance. Today I ran 3 miles though and it felt really good! My body just seems soo much happier with me!
The past couple Sunday's at church Jonathan has really been talking about giving thing to God, how he wants to use us, discovering that, allowing God to speak to you. Those messages have spoken so strongly inside of me that I really don't feel its been possible to deny God's spirit moving in those moments in my life. Right now I feel I am in a place where I KNOW that God wants to us me for big things, not minor things that don't mean anything, but significant things.... I just don't know the details, the how, the why, when, or what I am suppose to do. It's exciting, but it places me on edge because I feel terrified that I am going to have the opportunity pass me by, that I may end up missing the opportunity. I keep telling myself that is just Satan's way of creating anxiety into my life, trying to distract me, and discourage me. I really need to spend more time in prayer about this, not just hoping that it just lands in my lap one Sunday.
To get honest for a few, I have really been struggling lately with just feeling that I deserve certain things. I have screwed up, a lot, many times over, messed up loads of good things in my life. I feel that I have created a history of self sabotage, basically destroying the good things that happen to me. Granted, in retrospect, I feel that those things I thought at the time were GREAT, were really only good; but not God's BEST. I was having a tough time on the way to work the other day, just down on myself, beating myself up for decisions I've made, decisions I should have made, and then comes Chuck Swindoll over the radio, talking about Peter. Immediately I just felt so overwhelmed with emotion, God KNEW exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. He knew that I needed to hear a story about a man that screwed up BIG TIME, but he was offered redemption and was able to accomplish so many great and wonderful things that even our minds can't comprehend or dream of the stuff that Peter did- he walked on water! I realize I am impulsive like Peter too. Yesterday at church scripture was shared from Ephesians 3:20-
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,
3/20 is my birthday, and that spoke loudly to me yesterday, just resonating something deep inside of me that had never been awakened. I can't even wrap my mind around what I felt, nor would I try to.
In short God is doing a lot of really awesome things in my life that I can not comprehend, but I know he's going to complete whatever he has started. I am thankful the subtle reminders that he gives me to let me know that he still loves me, wants me to succeed, and is not going to hold back his best for me based on my past.
Goodnight :)
For starters I have been talked into doing a 10k in April with some friends. I'm certainly not big on running- in fact, I've always hated it! Most of the time it just hurt my knee and got nasty shin splits... on top of not being able to breathe haha. I started last week running and so far so good, definitely need to build up my endurance. Today I ran 3 miles though and it felt really good! My body just seems soo much happier with me!
The past couple Sunday's at church Jonathan has really been talking about giving thing to God, how he wants to use us, discovering that, allowing God to speak to you. Those messages have spoken so strongly inside of me that I really don't feel its been possible to deny God's spirit moving in those moments in my life. Right now I feel I am in a place where I KNOW that God wants to us me for big things, not minor things that don't mean anything, but significant things.... I just don't know the details, the how, the why, when, or what I am suppose to do. It's exciting, but it places me on edge because I feel terrified that I am going to have the opportunity pass me by, that I may end up missing the opportunity. I keep telling myself that is just Satan's way of creating anxiety into my life, trying to distract me, and discourage me. I really need to spend more time in prayer about this, not just hoping that it just lands in my lap one Sunday.
To get honest for a few, I have really been struggling lately with just feeling that I deserve certain things. I have screwed up, a lot, many times over, messed up loads of good things in my life. I feel that I have created a history of self sabotage, basically destroying the good things that happen to me. Granted, in retrospect, I feel that those things I thought at the time were GREAT, were really only good; but not God's BEST. I was having a tough time on the way to work the other day, just down on myself, beating myself up for decisions I've made, decisions I should have made, and then comes Chuck Swindoll over the radio, talking about Peter. Immediately I just felt so overwhelmed with emotion, God KNEW exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. He knew that I needed to hear a story about a man that screwed up BIG TIME, but he was offered redemption and was able to accomplish so many great and wonderful things that even our minds can't comprehend or dream of the stuff that Peter did- he walked on water! I realize I am impulsive like Peter too. Yesterday at church scripture was shared from Ephesians 3:20-
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,
3/20 is my birthday, and that spoke loudly to me yesterday, just resonating something deep inside of me that had never been awakened. I can't even wrap my mind around what I felt, nor would I try to.
In short God is doing a lot of really awesome things in my life that I can not comprehend, but I know he's going to complete whatever he has started. I am thankful the subtle reminders that he gives me to let me know that he still loves me, wants me to succeed, and is not going to hold back his best for me based on my past.
Goodnight :)
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