10th Avenue North

So I pulled out an old cd from last summer, 10th Avenue North. Immediately the cd just evoked so many crazy emotions, reminding me of the place that I was this time last year. God has brought me so far from the place that I stood a year, year and a half ago. I no longer have to walk around with my head down, being comfortably numb in my feelings of inadequacies. No more fighting, within, or with others. No more being devalued and disregarded.

I'm very frustrated right now that God has brought me through so many things in my life, salvaging my life from the ruins that it had been with my marriage, then divorce, to the amazing relationship that I have with Jessica today. I still find myself taking things for granted, taking advantage of the circumstances that I have been given, the blessings. I feel like I've allowed myself to fall back into square one, losing my true appreciation for God's grace and his blessings. Passion, the energy and fervor for life, love, friends.... seems to be a struggle to find at times.

I'm longing again for my relationship with God. I feel him knocking down the walls of my heart, through the tears that he brings down my face. I'm tired of being stubborn and trying to acheive everything in life on my own. I'm tired of serving myself and persuing the desires that will only bring my non-eternal joy. I want to be filled, renewed.....

I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?

Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?

Counseling today as aboslutely amazing. Everytime I go I fill so uplifted, seeing the different sides of God that promotes healing, evokes such strong passionate emotions. Today I've just begun to realize that everything in life is more than just a choice; its a value of importance. How we choose to make our decisions directly reflects the level of importance we have towards said thing. If I am choosing to sin, I am telling God that he is not important to me. Same as if I choose something over Jessica, I am communicating the same thing. I've slowly begun my down that slippery slope of selfishness and I'm tired of it. I'm ready to be a servant, ready to put myself second, or last.

Yeah, I feel You fallin'
Like the rain against my skin
And I hear You calling
Your voice like thunder in my head
But now I am stallin'Cuz I'm afraid to let you in
Yeah, come break me down with Your mercy
Come break me down again

I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours, You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Won't You break me

I just pray that God breaks these walls down and continues to bring healing into my life.

Cuz I need your strength to feel this weak
I need your touch to fill my need
I need your strong hands to carry me
Take me, break me, set me free....

It's not that I want God to heal me, but I need him too. No longer can I allow pride and self-sufficient attempts to persevere. I'm definitely starting with the small things.

Goodnight

A Restful Weekend...

Woohoo it's the weekend! So last night we were suppose to have our softball game but the other team had to forfeit since they did not have enough players. It kind of stunk, but yet, was nice to just scrimmage and goof off for the evening. Apparently though when I am having fun I joke in ways that I shouldn't!..... So yeah, I wasn't hitting very well and my next to last time up to bat I see the center fielder cheating in... and I was lucky enough to hit his way... and I creamed that ball haha! So yeah, I start running and see its way over his head and I shout "It's overrrr yourrr heeeaaddd".... in some weird frat boy voice... man I totally embarassed myself, aside from the fact I made it home....I apologize to Grace Baptist! Was happy though to take two easy wins and find myself some rest since I've been dealing with an obnoxious cold. The worst part has been the antiobiotics that the Dr gave me that won't let me eat!!!! Arrgggg......

So Jess convinced me into getting portraits done over at Sears. The pictures actually came out really good, aside from the hair cut that I received at Master Cuts that looks like the singal bars on a cell phone when its completely spiked up.... I think I need to pay them another visit!

So getting to enjoy a restful weekend with Jess, thankfully nothing is scheduled on the books currently! The past month's Saturdays have been..... All night softball tournament in Richmond, Trip to Pentwater Michigan, 4th of July family festivities, Topsail NC Beach, Smith Mountain Lake.... Something else.... Smith Mountain Lake again... so needless to say its time to rest! Next thing is seeing Tonic perform in Raleigh NC August 8th.

I've spent the past few days working on some music and trying to find my niche in this new group that I may be a permanent member of. We had a great practice before and really looking forward to Monday nights practice. We jammed to Silvergun and Superman by Stone Temple Pilots and an original the guitar player has.

I think this might be a great oppportunity that God is opening up for me to express myself, really move past some things, as well as witness to other people. I'm really trying to remind myself that whatever I do in life I want it to uplift God and be a witness for him. I know that I will find strength in him and I will not be able to succeed in anything life without him. Too often I find myself trying to do things on my own, without seeking his guidance. I really want to have the heart of a servant and be used for whatever opportunities that he has given me and will give me. Perhaps this blog can become sort of a personal accountability for me?

God Bless!
Steve

Just a thought.... Creed "Unforgiven"

I kept up with the prophecy you spoke
I kept up with the message inside
Lost sight of the irony of twisted faith
Lost sight of my soul and it's void
(chorus) Think I'm unforgiven to this world
Took a chance at deceiving myself To share in the consequence of lies
Childish with my reasoning and pride
Godless to the extent that I died
(chorus)
Step inside the light and see the fear of God burn inside of me The gold was put to flame to kill to burn to mold it's purity

- It bothers me that people, including myself, feel this way at times

One EXTREMELY long weekend

So this weekend started with some pretty nice storms rolling through here on Friday. Thankfully our softball game wasn't rained out; however it would have kept us from getting our butts spanked by the best team in the league. Ironically however Jessica found herself playing on their team in an all night softball tournament in Richmond.

We went up Saturday to Richmond to visit with my dad and step mom. Helped out with some pressure washing and car jumping (my car has found itself doing that several times this weekend). Had a nice, but short visit with them and really hoping that my dad will feel better soon.

So the softball tournament begins! I tried to be a head cheerleader but it was very difficult when I wanted to play too haha.... not to mention its hard to stay awake at 4 am. Jess and the team played well and were undefeated by the time we had to leave around 9:30am. Yes, they played from 9pm til the next day. I like softball, but I don't think there is anything that I could do that long without sleep!

We came straight back to Lynchburg, caught a quick nap, then headed to Peaks View Park for my.... this might be a mouthful, my mother's husband's cousin's son. Which would make him my Step 3rd cousin... right? Realized I was no good at frisby golf and only goofy people are good at it... I'm not bitter, seriously. Then got my butt handed to me in corn hole as well. All in all it was a good afternoon at the park, nice weather.

Came back to have to jump start Jessica's car, praying that it starts in the morning! Anyway, time to spend some time with my sweetheart..... movie, or nap? :) Definitely still exhausted....

Hello Hello!

So I've decided to welcome myself back to the blogging world. I used "ujournal" for the longest time through college and it was a great way to keep all the nosey critters in my life up to date. Haha, truth is it was a great way for me to vent! Thankfully though most of the stuff going on my life has been really positive so the vent sessions will hopefully be few and far between. I'll be certain to Title those blogs with some kind of "toxic" label when at all possible.

Got a busy weekend ahead of me so maybe whenever I am done with my endless adventures I'll be certain to post something. Adios