So lately I have been having quite the rocky road, ups and downs, mainly downs, but man the ups have been tremendous! The ups have been from the personal relationship with my Christ Lord and Savior, the one that continues to redeem my life despite ALL of my short comings. Lately I've been smacked pretty hard upside the head and found myself looking around at all the things that I have done, the way that I have acted, even just my personal thought life, and realized that I have been crazy! I drifted so far away from the things that meant the most to me, in some ways, I even feel those things have had their own momentum, carrying them even further away. Its a slow Fade, as casting crows likes to call it, we don't crumble in a day. It's just so deceiving, its like when you are flying down the road and see two trains, the furthest one gives the appearance that its moving, but its not, sometimes it really is and you think that it isn't moving, regardless, you are confused and nothing to set your vision straight, nothing to ground you.
I went to do the 50 days of prayer, found myself in a room at the Wingate hotel overlooking the city of lynchburg with soo many prayer concerns that were placed before me on the board, concerns that put my life into perspective. I sat there and wheeped at some of the requests, requests that had broken my heart. One lady had said "pray for my husband to stop emotionally abusing me". or "pray that my sons return to cross" "pray my son can lead his wife to Christ and get back into church"... all of these things that I have done or prayed for myself at some point. I wanted to put my heartache up on the board soo badly and have people pray that God will restore, I had to take it back down only to replace it with my own struggle. I was honest. I was real. I said exactly what needed to be said, no sugar coating. I have been doing soo well lately with my life with Christ, with running after God without any fear of rejection, just passion and love. I feel that I came around too late for some of the people in my life.
It's not about them though. It's about me. Its about me being proud of the person that I know i can be, the person that I have been numerous times in my life. Dammit I am sooooooo tired of hurting people, hurting myself! I want to give myself totally to others, give every aspect of me to help them, to encourage them, to lift them up, to bless them, to love them, to let them see the truth living ever so deeply through me that its infectious!
Christ said that his thoughts are higher than ours..... his way are higher than ours. I want that for myself.
Tenth Avenue North- Time. Let this be my prayer.
I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
I love her.
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