So I took a few days and went back up to Williamsport, PA to escape the madness of life. It was a really great time for me to get my mind clear, to refocus everything back to where it needed to be. It really is a nice area up there. Part of me has considered moving away, just get away and start fresh somewhere else, try to make life a bit different for me. I know that moving away doesn't solve anything, your problems, pains, regrets, past, all that does follow you. However, maybe it would offer me some space to just "breathe"?
As of right now I know that I am here in Lynchburg for a purpose, I feel God has placed a few people's souls heavily on my heart to be a good friend too and show them the Love of Christ. God has done soooo much work in my heart recently that honestly it's probably the most intimate and real experience I have had with God in a very very long time. I've come to my breaking point where I have realized that I need him more than he needs me. I had to set aside my pride and accept that his ways, his thoughts, are soo much higher than mine. Lately I've done nothing but find ways to saturate my spirit with his Love, Grace, Mercy, and just the presence of him. He has opened my eyes to soo many selfish mistakes that I have made over the years, shaken the ground beneathe for me so I have been forced to hold on to nothing but him.
I really do miss being a servant. This weekend I'm signed up with a group from Thomas Road to go out into the community and do some community based work projects, what I will be doing I have no clue! I remember growing up I use to do so much work with the church, helping put on tins roofs, painting, planting shrubs, out back swinging a machette, helping stack or split wood for people. God has always called me to be a servant, to be realize that life is about more than just myself, but about helping others around me. I think that this experience is going to be a really good for me, perhaps something that I make a habit of doing again, especially with the nice weather coming up.
At campus church on Wednesday, Ergon Caner really point out something to me that was soo true. If you want healing; YOU HAVE TO ask for it and seek it. We to often sit around and wallow in our pain, hoping someone will come by to lay their hands on us and see us in our misery. But we are called to step out in faith and ask others to pray for us. That's where PRIDE comes in. We can't let go of it. Can't admit that we need help, need something bigger than ourselves. I found myself being very prideful, unwilling to admit that I needed the help of others, needed the help of God. I firmly believe now that we are made stronger through Christ in our times of weakness, because he has the ability to make us greater than we ever thought that we could be.
I was thinking that we find ourselves in the boxing ring with God. We push him away, start swinging at him, he casually dodges our blow by stepping to the side, we get angry. Start swinging harder and harder at him, as he moves our momentum carries us against the ropes where we grow weary and fall to our knees. It's here we have lost the battle with God, and the only reason that we get up is to crawl out of the ring because our PRIDE has been hurt, we are embarassed that we were beaten without him defending himself, or trying to hurt us.
The other problem is, while we are swinging, we miss, but we don't really miss. We recklessly hit our corner coaches, our friends, our families, our loved ones. We aren't able to see clearly because pride and anger have taken over, we can no longer see the consequences for our decisions.... sometimes we catch on quickly, while others, we have to knock everyone out on our side and hit the mat before we can admit defeat.
I'm tired of swinging. Tired of fighting his love. Tired of hurting those around me that want to support and encourage me. I don't want my only moment of strength to be me crawling out of my responsibilities because my pride was hurt.
Anyway, just wanted to get that out there. I felt like a lot of us do this from time to time but creates a very clear picture of what we experience when we box with God.
Here are two songs that have really spoken to me lately, one by Josh Wilson, the other by Toby Mac.
"Before the Morning" Josh Wilson
Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now
Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see
Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning
My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer
And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning
"Gone" Toby Mac
I told the girl that you should treat her like a lady and
She told me all the things you did and it was shady, man
She said that what you say and what you do are different things
While you were telling me that you were checking out them blingy rings
She said she's had enough
Well, it sounds to me like you're straight out of luck
And she said she's all through
And life's not blowin' her kisses thanks to you
I wanna know, wanna know what you were thinkin'
I can't imagine why it didn't even sink in
They say you never know what you got till it's gone
(Never know what you got till it's gone)
I wanna know, wanna know what you were thinkin'
I can't imagine why it didn't even sink in
They say you never know what you got till it's gone
(Never know what you got till it's gone)
She said she's had enough
So, it sounds to me like your still out of love
And she said you weren't true
And life's not blowin' her kisses thanks to you
She said it's gonna be alright
Cause God made a way through the pain and he opened her eyes
And she said you came crawling back
But after what you did to her she wouldn't have any of that
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