Closing A Chapter

So today I guess is the closing of a chapter on my life, and then the beginning of a new one. I'm not exactly pleased to be in this phase of my life but I do know that whatever lies before me, is in God's hands.

I'm not exactly ready to let go of Jessica yet. Hopefully by the time I finish this blog, I will find myself a step closer to being able to. The past few months I have been holding on to her, holding on to the feelings that I have for her. Honestly, I have loved her more than any person that I have been in a relationship with; something about her allowed her to penetrate deeply into my heart. With that I send a word of caution....

1) Never get into a relationship when you are picking up the pieces of you. Yes, that person can sometimes know your heart and even *see* the person that *you are meant to be*. But only you know who you are meant to be, you must become that person before you can love someone for an extended period of time. Before long the super glue that you used for a quick fix slowly begins to be pushed through the cracks, as you scramble to keep everything together, you just more or less get in the way, God's way.

2) Find your identity in God, (not others). When your identity is in him, its concrete. He loves you because he made you in his wonderful image. I still have my days where I struggle with my worth, thinking that even God shouldn't love me. However, I see when I give my life to loving him, all that kind of goes away, it becomes a RELATIONSHIP.

I could write plenty more on the does and don'ts of relationships, I certainly know what NOT to do. Tonic has the line "if I showed you all my castles, could you teach me not to burn them", I have been in the business in burning every single one of mine for YEARS. Just a pattern of self destruction that I thought was self preservation. Or maybe I was hoping that one of those times I burned the castle, that I was inside of it, I don't know.

Through all of this, I felt it was my burden to learn how to love some unconditionally, in the worst of situations, in the times where I didn't feel deserving, in the times where the other person didn't deserve it either. I feel I have learned many valuable lessons through all of this, and know EXACTLY the hurt that I have inflicted on people, and to those of you, I say I am sorry.

Jessica lit up my world like no other. She posses all the characteristics and traits of a woman that I would be honored to spend the rest of my life with. The great thing about marrying the wrong person, is when you come across the RIGHT person, you know it. Unfortunately I had to let my brokenness get in the way, I have always tried to persevere, push through it all, throw it over my shoulders and carry on like I was some kind of hero. I have done that since I was child, in a home where up was down, and love unkind. I'm tired.

So I turn the page today to venture into a new era. An Era that WILL be characterized by my unwavering faith in God, by walking in his light, and being obedient to the will and calling that he has for me on my life; I will not fall.

The days and the nights have been long this spring, but I am ready to rest in the peace that God has for me. I can't hold on anymore.

Tonic - Nothing is Everything

If you can't see this
If you can't be this
Maybe it will come back
To where you thought it left you

So if you can't see love
And if you can't be loved
Baby it'll haunt you and everything you
will do

'Cause you're not going home
Everything, everything has changed
So we run and we try to erase the words
we can't take back
Again

So if you can't see this
If you can't be this
It may never come back
To where you thought it left you
So if you can't find love
That you can want enough
Baby it'll haunt you
And everything you can't do

'Cause you're not going home
Everything, everything has changed
So we run and we try to erase the words
we can't take back
Again

So if you can't find love
Or you can't be loved
Maybe you should go back
To where you thought it left you

So if you won't see this
IF you can't be this
Maybe you should come back
To where everything was nothing



God makes everything beautiful in it's time. I pray it has a time.