10th Avenue North

So I pulled out an old cd from last summer, 10th Avenue North. Immediately the cd just evoked so many crazy emotions, reminding me of the place that I was this time last year. God has brought me so far from the place that I stood a year, year and a half ago. I no longer have to walk around with my head down, being comfortably numb in my feelings of inadequacies. No more fighting, within, or with others. No more being devalued and disregarded.

I'm very frustrated right now that God has brought me through so many things in my life, salvaging my life from the ruins that it had been with my marriage, then divorce, to the amazing relationship that I have with Jessica today. I still find myself taking things for granted, taking advantage of the circumstances that I have been given, the blessings. I feel like I've allowed myself to fall back into square one, losing my true appreciation for God's grace and his blessings. Passion, the energy and fervor for life, love, friends.... seems to be a struggle to find at times.

I'm longing again for my relationship with God. I feel him knocking down the walls of my heart, through the tears that he brings down my face. I'm tired of being stubborn and trying to acheive everything in life on my own. I'm tired of serving myself and persuing the desires that will only bring my non-eternal joy. I want to be filled, renewed.....

I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?

Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?

Counseling today as aboslutely amazing. Everytime I go I fill so uplifted, seeing the different sides of God that promotes healing, evokes such strong passionate emotions. Today I've just begun to realize that everything in life is more than just a choice; its a value of importance. How we choose to make our decisions directly reflects the level of importance we have towards said thing. If I am choosing to sin, I am telling God that he is not important to me. Same as if I choose something over Jessica, I am communicating the same thing. I've slowly begun my down that slippery slope of selfishness and I'm tired of it. I'm ready to be a servant, ready to put myself second, or last.

Yeah, I feel You fallin'
Like the rain against my skin
And I hear You calling
Your voice like thunder in my head
But now I am stallin'Cuz I'm afraid to let you in
Yeah, come break me down with Your mercy
Come break me down again

I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours, You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Won't You break me

I just pray that God breaks these walls down and continues to bring healing into my life.

Cuz I need your strength to feel this weak
I need your touch to fill my need
I need your strong hands to carry me
Take me, break me, set me free....

It's not that I want God to heal me, but I need him too. No longer can I allow pride and self-sufficient attempts to persevere. I'm definitely starting with the small things.

Goodnight