Soul of Strings

Paradigm Shifts

2011-07-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

I think we all experience different mileposts in our lives where our perspectives start to change, just like our taste buds. We find ourselves loving cheesecake and asparagus after loathing it for 27yrs. It seems though that we always gain a taste for something that we didn't like when we were younger; sometimes though we lose the taste of something we once loved.

Lately I have just found myself being torn at the seams, concerned about how all these pieces will fit together. I know in the end everything will be hemmed back together, just not certain of what it is going to "look" like, or if I will be happy with that.

There is a point in life that we all start to see things for how they truly are. Perhaps it is because our parents can no longer protect us, maybe our pursuit of higher education causes us to reevaluate everything, or maybe because the media screams at us from every possible direction. I kind of wish that I could go back to those more innocent days, then I wouldn't have to deal with all the frustration and anger that I have towards certain entities.

I recently started doing some writing on this topic as an outlet for my frustration. It rather surprised me that I was writing something that basically exposed the evil of something I have lived so passionately towards: Christianity. People certainly know how to screw that up. I may post what I have written to my blog at some point but I want to be very cautious with how I do that, and what people take from it.

Anyway, more to come later

That Was Then, This Is Now

2011-05-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

Lately I have found myself giving consideration to where I was this time last year- unemployeed, praying fervently that God would bring me a position at LU, freshly connected with my Sunday School class and so very thankful for an awesome core group of believers, slaving over remodeling Josh's bathroom, mourning the loss of a relationship, and probably one of most spiritually intune times I have ever experienced.

Last year everything was in place for me to be drawn closer to God. When you are relying on him to provide you with money to pay your bills, or random odd jobs to work to earn money, it is soo easy to submit to him. It is so frustrating that I've become a "Typical Christian"- Hey God, thanks for the help, but I'm good, seriously- self sufficient arrogance. Isn't it funny when we say, "I pride myself on not being prideful"? I think thats a common mentality of people. I miss the time where I felt I was in the palm of his hand, seeking wisdom and guidance in everything that I did.

I have basically been stumbling around for a while without much direction. Yes, I've got TONS of great ideas and goals, but have the attention of a 5yr old that has just been asked to do classwork during recess. I seem to be looking for anything and everything to keep me from committing and focusing. That in the end just equals a great disconnect from anything that has meaning. The numbing process is slow, you begin to slip to a place of being superficial and concerned with face value, not matters of the heart, which leaves sin to attack you in isolation. I am just so frustrated with myself.

Honestly, my confidence has been shaken. Shaken is probably putting it lightly. In some ways I feel God has stripped me of any applicable wisdom that I once had, where I'm confused, guessing, uncertain, and directionally challenged. Obviously there are still some things that I "know", but I feel a storm away from being shipwrecked. I can only think that someone who has amnesia would really understand the way that I feel. I suppose that this is just a way for God to say- "Be still, know I am God"- be reliant on him.

Being reliant on God is an awesome experience when you actually HEAR and LISTEN to him. I'm just falling behind in the lesson that he is trying to teach me, I've been fighting him from most angles. Unfortunately we as self preserving/serving humans can build walls extremely fast- deeply rooted from a lifetime of hurt.

Anyway, I think I will close my ranting. Maybe I just need to go outside and let out a loud scream? I'll save your ears! Gnight!

Potential

2011-04-14T19:43:00.000-07:00

I have realized that I need to make more time to actually write in my blog- it is certainly therapuetic.

Lately I have felt so bombarded and overwhelmed with a variety of different things. Something I am a pro at is.... distraction! Nearly a month and a half ago I landed myself in a position to audition with a band called "Eyes On Me". Shortly after the audition I found myself having to learn 6 songs in 3 weeks time to play a gig with them (which ended up being cancelled anyway). Needless to say I was practicing 3 times a week with these guys, not including my own practice time. I found myself completely consumed by this new endeavour. Which in turn, provided me a very nice escape from everything else going on in my life. I felt a lot of pressure to learn the music and honestly my sole purpose in life for nearly a month was learning these songs. Now it appears the dust has settled and I can see where my feet are placed.

This evening I went and watched the movie "The Potential Inside" which was filmed here in the Lynchburg area. I remember the last movie I saw at TRBC was a movie about Billy Graham, and I recall the impact it had on my life that Summer. I went to this movie eagerly expecting and hoping that God would speak some new revelation to me. The movie was good, granted I dont believe I left with a "wow" feeling. Obviously the movie did focus on "potential", which made me think a lot about what potential really is.

Often we hear people encouraging others telling them to reach their "maximum potential", or that "you have soo much potential". Honestly, who really believes that? Many of us, myself included, never dare to seek or dream of our potential. Why? We don't want to have to face the FEAR of failure. It's not even failure that scares us anymore; it's the FEAR of failing that is soo deeply rooted in our hearts and minds. It is much simplier to avoid the anxiety of it all but never trying.

I have come to realize this; If you are ignoring your potential because of the fear of failure, you have already failed. God's purpose for us is to serve him and flourish in the potential that he has created in us.

Frankly I am tired of riding up and down on this spiritual roller coaster- it's much easier to maintain the momentum going down than it is going up. I think being 27 now and looking back over my life I am certainly not where I want to be. Granted, where I am does not surprise God and in many ways I know I've grown.

Ya know, if a blue silly band can be a turtle, why can't I be more?

Adios :)

Redemption?

2011-01-10T19:53:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've posted, so obviously its just time to do so! So its a start of a new year and I feel like I'm becoming Jim Carey from "Yes Man"; basically I'm saying yes to new things, new experiences, and seeing where they lead me.

For starters I have been talked into doing a 10k in April with some friends. I'm certainly not big on running- in fact, I've always hated it! Most of the time it just hurt my knee and got nasty shin splits... on top of not being able to breathe haha. I started last week running and so far so good, definitely need to build up my endurance. Today I ran 3 miles though and it felt really good! My body just seems soo much happier with me!

The past couple Sunday's at church Jonathan has really been talking about giving thing to God, how he wants to use us, discovering that, allowing God to speak to you. Those messages have spoken so strongly inside of me that I really don't feel its been possible to deny God's spirit moving in those moments in my life. Right now I feel I am in a place where I KNOW that God wants to us me for big things, not minor things that don't mean anything, but significant things.... I just don't know the details, the how, the why, when, or what I am suppose to do. It's exciting, but it places me on edge because I feel terrified that I am going to have the opportunity pass me by, that I may end up missing the opportunity. I keep telling myself that is just Satan's way of creating anxiety into my life, trying to distract me, and discourage me. I really need to spend more time in prayer about this, not just hoping that it just lands in my lap one Sunday.

To get honest for a few, I have really been struggling lately with just feeling that I deserve certain things. I have screwed up, a lot, many times over, messed up loads of good things in my life. I feel that I have created a history of self sabotage, basically destroying the good things that happen to me. Granted, in retrospect, I feel that those things I thought at the time were GREAT, were really only good; but not God's BEST. I was having a tough time on the way to work the other day, just down on myself, beating myself up for decisions I've made, decisions I should have made, and then comes Chuck Swindoll over the radio, talking about Peter. Immediately I just felt so overwhelmed with emotion, God KNEW exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. He knew that I needed to hear a story about a man that screwed up BIG TIME, but he was offered redemption and was able to accomplish so many great and wonderful things that even our minds can't comprehend or dream of the stuff that Peter did- he walked on water! I realize I am impulsive like Peter too. Yesterday at church scripture was shared from Ephesians 3:20-

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,

3/20 is my birthday, and that spoke loudly to me yesterday, just resonating something deep inside of me that had never been awakened. I can't even wrap my mind around what I felt, nor would I try to.

In short God is doing a lot of really awesome things in my life that I can not comprehend, but I know he's going to complete whatever he has started. I am thankful the subtle reminders that he gives me to let me know that he still loves me, wants me to succeed, and is not going to hold back his best for me based on my past.

Goodnight :)

Change- My Inability To Deal With It

2010-12-23T07:22:00.000-08:00

So I use to be that guy that couldn't stand any kind of change whatsoever, oh wait, I'm still that guy! Not entirely though, I have realized the value of change and how necessary it is for our growth, both spiritually and emotionally- who cares about financially.

Lately I have had such a difficult time adjusting to the new shift, 12pm-9pm. I feel so disorganized and out of routine. I am extremely thankful to have a job right now so by no means am I actually complaining! My life was pretty chaotic there for a while- I had band practice on Mondays, nothing on Tuesdays but normally it got filled with something, Mens group on Wednesday nights, Volleyball on Thursday nights, and band practice again on Friday nights. Thankfully I quit volleyball a few weeks anyway so that's not something I am missing out on anymore. I just really value my time with my friends at band practice, and the time I get with the guys on our Wednesday night bible studies. I really hope that this shift won't last too long because I need those things in my life- they are extremely important to me. I think one of the awesome things about getting older is that you begin to see what is important to you and necessary, you start cutting out all the excess and garbage.

God has seriously been teaching me a lot about patience and really trying to reshape a lot of my thinking. I take a look back over the years and realize how like every lesson that I have learned, it's been the hard way! Why is that? I've got wisdom. I think I am fairly intelligent with some good insight. Oh wait, I always let my heart lead me. 26 yrs into life I am realizing the need for checks and balances, sometimes I just wish my brain would check my heart against the glass like an angry Canadian hockey player on steroids... I guess if it did that I probably wouldn't be breathing, but you get the stupidity and stubbornness on my part. I take a look though and can clearly see how God has been molding me for bigger and greater things during the course of all the "junk" that I have had to go through- I just have to remind myself that it's all to bring him glory in the end.

Time to meet the guys for lunch, some Christmas shopping, and band practice- I am sooo in need of rocking out with the guys tonight; I feel I've got a lot of energy and "stuff" to just dump into music tonight!

Breath of Fresh Air

2010-12-15T20:10:00.000-08:00

Once again I start an entry about how its been a while since I last posted, seems to be a common thread for me that I'm going to have to shake! Things in my life have been going soo incredibly well over the past month that I honestly can not thank God enough for all that he has done!

Things with my job are going extremely well. I feel that I am catching on pretty quickly and someone said that I sounded like a "Season Advisor" on the phones- that someone was actually the head trainer, which was pretty cool to hear that from. Today I actually had a call though where a woman was needing to withrdaw because of medical issues- shes been in and out of the hospital with seizures and was often incoherent, needing me to repeat myself many times over- it was really heart breaking. I honestly feel such a burden for those folks and realize that is an opportunity for me to share the love of God with that individual, just to encourage them, support them, empathize with them. It certainly makes me miss counseling! Something I have learned recently though is that everyone who has lost interest in their job, there is soo much more that we do, we truly do impact the futures of people; we are their one true level of support. I just pray that God gives me the strength and know how to be good stewards of those contacts- as well as just friends that I have in my life.

Recently I have felt that I have truly been walking in the spirit; just filled with the joy from the love that God has for me. It seems so often that we allow life to quench the joy from our spirits, to bring us down, distract us, in many cases, cripple us. There have been a lot of changes going on in my life as of late; but every single one of them has been change that will ultimately bring glory to God. Where I stand today is a place in my faith that I wish I could maintain, that I could feel this joy every waking day in my life, to completely overwhelmed by his love for me, that never ceases, is never dependent on what I can do right, not even what I do wrong. It scares me because in April I felt so close to God, then I made some decisions regarding relationships with people that quenched it, brought me down, didn't uplift my spirit the way that I thought it would. Ive realize for myself that I want to be at 100% with my walk with God, I want to surround myself with people that are seeking the same; bottom line- people should never fill a void in your faith, they should strengthen it beyond the potential that you have.

So I will be starting my masters soon.... I am soo confused. I love counseling and have a real passion for helping people- but, I don't know if that is where God wants me........ its either that or MA in Worship Studies. I have such a strong passion for music, for worship, for leading others in worship, I really feel called to music ministry (which I am currently doing with the band) but Im just not certain how far I need to take it. I guess the good thing is that I have some time before I can even start taking classes... hopefully God can give me a clear picture before then!

Im going to finish being lame- doing laundry and pray that we don't get this snow tomorrow! It looks like Im the only one that hopes it passes us haha- I actually enjoy going to work!

And The Drought Has Been Concluded!

2010-11-22T09:48:00.000-08:00

So after almost 7 months, I have found a job! I started last week working for Liberty University Online as an Academic Advisor. Basically, I have been going through tons of training, learning the programs, policies, and all that fun jazz. In 6 months though I get to enroll in grad school classes- I'll be working on my Masters in Counseling, woohoo!

I have discovered though that I work with a lot of great people and I am so thankful to be employed here! Its really strange to be in a place where people talk about prayer, and even initiate prayer- they probably think I am a prude because I have just been in extreme culture shock! So my disclaimer- I think it rocks.

So life has been going, just going. A lot of changes, and a lot of great opportunities. I am beginning to realize that is truly most important in my life- which is making certain that what I am doing is line with God's will for my life. It's not always easy to give everything to God, infact, its never easy. We too often make exceptions to the rule, try to bargain, hope we can change situations, people, circumstances, but we can't. It's taking me nearly 27 years to finally realize what I want, what my expectations are out of life, what I expect out of other people.

I am tired of operating out of the broken principle, where we blame our actions and circumstances based on others influence in our lives- good or bad. I heard great quote yesterday in sunday school which has really challenged me, and given me peace in certain situations...

"Genuine faith in Christ should always result in actions that demonstrate faith"

What is meant by that?

I use this to evaluate my life, to decipher whether or not my actions say that I believe in Christ, or I don't. Sometimes my actions don't support that.... we all fail, but in my heart I strive for that. I have begun to see that many people are fooled and think that they are living a certain way, when they aren't.

Time to head back to work! All in all I am doing really well- I am excited to see where God is directing my life and right now, there is no looking back.

Adios!

Change and Opportunity

2010-09-11T16:02:00.000-07:00

It's been a few weeks since my last post, I have been fairly busy. Nearly two weeks ago I had a job interview with Liberty University and Dominion Youth Services. The interview with with both went well, but I really have my eyes set on the Liberty job- as an academic advisor. I have been told by an inside source that I have the job- but I haven't received the call from Liberty yet.

Last weekend I helped my Dad and Donna move from Richmond to Lynchburg, it's official! It's really cool having them here; just being able to make plans on a whim, join them for dinner every now and then, not having to PLAN everything that happens. It's the first time in 15 years that I have lived in the same time as my dad, that is wayy cool.

This past weekend Aric brought a student from Liberty who is an awesome drummer to practice. This allowed Jonathan to play bass guitar. This new guy, CJ, is an awesome drummer! He is a percussion major and seems to be a really down to earth guy. We worked on some recording this past week and things are really progressing forward for us; very pleased to see how God is using us, growing us with our music. Hoping in few weeks that we will actually have the chance to play out somewhere!

Today my nephew Trevor had his first soccer game and he scored two goals! He celebrated by running around the field with his arms in the arm like a true pro! It was priceless.

Anyway I'm going to leave it at that and enjoy the rest of my weekend relaxing!

Science; Are We Going to Far?

2010-08-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

Last night on ABC's Nightline, http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline, they aired an episode that was really quite facinating. I'm sure that it probably attracted more viewers than the usual crowd. Why? The title read...

"Secrets of The Mind" .... Which could have read "Here is your excuse"

I didn't get a chance to watch the episode in it's entirity yet, but I certainly do plan on doing so. They interviewed a guy that was responsible for killing 17 women. Apparently it all started one night when he was with a prostitute who refused to provide services, so he ended up beating her viciously, only to cut her up into tiny pieces.

This man agreed to have his brain examined, and through brain scans they noticed a lack of activity in the frontal lobe; this is the area of the brain that we use for rational thinking, conscience, ect. The argument that scientist are tying to make is that people who have lower levels of activity in this area of the brain are more likely to act violently than those that don't. I'm sure we all understand the concept; if you have a conscience, you think twice, maybe three times, if you don't, you act on impulse. However, I don't necessarily feel that a conscience prevents you from doing certain things.

My big question is, which came first; the chicken or the egg? Did repeated experiences of frustration, anger, or rage lead to his brain being rewired in a maladapative way to decrease the activity, or was he born this way? Some people are stating that it's a brain defect; some people are just born with a brain without a conscience. While others are wondering if it is infact a direction cause from the environment- growing up in an abusive home, rough neighborhood, poverty, whatever the social injustice may be.

This is just very alarming to me because science points to the mind, where faith points to the heart. I can see where scientist are discovering some pretty awesome things, but at the same time, what is this really accomplishing? It's creating a new doorway for criminals to plead braind defect and act like nothing really happened. I do think they would intitiate some kind of program to help rewire their brains, and assist with better coping skills... which is something we should have been doing for criminals since day one!!

We are all made in the image of Christ. I am pretty certain Jesus had a temper too that he just had to pray against extremely hard. Don't allow science to dictate your need for a savior, or lack of need. Most issues are deeply rooted in the heart, not your mind. However everything is connected- a negative mind can destroy your heart, as well as a troubled heart can distort your thinking.

Anyway, just something I wanted to blog about, I think that they may be on to something, but at the same rate I feel we are continuing down the slippery slope of "lets blame God for our dysfunctional body".

Just Catching Up

2010-08-25T08:53:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that the month of August is nearly gone and fall is just around the corner. The past few weeks have been sort of a roller coaster for me, it's been difficult staying ahead of the learning curve that's for certain!

A lot of stuff had been going on within the sunday school, mostly petty in my opinion, but there was some learning that needed to take place. We ended up having a meeting this past sunday to discuss a lot of things and honestly I am really thankful that we did. When we tend to wander out on our own and don't have anyone to hold us accountable about things, we then do whatever we want to. We should always consider how things appear to be regardless of what the truth might be. I spent so long not closely knit with people that it didn't matter what I was doing, or how it appeared. It is certainly a life adjustment for me, but honestly in a good way. Perhaps some things that they recommended were over the top for me, but all in all, I am very thankful to have a group of guys that care enough about me to do know what's going on in my life.

Being back home has been pretty difficult for me. Thankfully I was able to work a few days last week with David, but then I threw my back out on Friday. It's been tough to get around, thankfully I've had some hydrocodone, 350mg, which has been enough to take the edge off. After four months of being unemployed I am finally starting to realize how it takes it's toll on people, on myself. I have found myself extremely sensitive about some of the smallest things. I really don't know how people stay at home alone all day with nothing to do, minimal social interaction, feeling isolated, and manage to have a health mental well being!

I know there is a purpose for me not having a job yet, but jeeze, I'm done with it! I am wanting to work, for the sake of working, nevermind the fact of having to pay bills, I want some place to report to for work 5 days a week. I would work with David full time but they don't always need me, just depends on the kind of work that they are doing that day. I know everything will be worked out in its time, I just certainly didn't expect it to take this long.

The next few weeks should be pretty busy; I've moved/currently still moving things back into my moms and my dad and step mom will be moving from Richmond to Lynchburg in the next few weeks. It's going to be soo weird having my dad live here, I have not lived in the same town as him since I was in 5th grade. I must admit though, I am pretty excited about it!

Well that's all for now, oh wait, I was suppose to give a shout out to Nate, haha. Nate, I appreciate you man, you have done a lot for me over the past few weeks, and now you have officially made my blog!

Enjoy your day!

Chicago..... Oh my

2010-08-13T13:59:00.000-07:00

Jess and I left Pentwater, MI because Brad's dad was coming up to visit, and we decided that it would be fun to go to Chicago since neither one of us had ever been. Well....

For starters, driving in the city was crazy! Driving through downtown wasn't all that bad, it was just trying to navigate the city, trying to find the fastest route- which there are none! We spent like 2 hours just trying to travel about 15 miles. Will I ever go back? Most likely not.

Our first experience was at Lincoln Park where we witnessed this girl slamming on her horn at some guy, so he gets out his car, standing about 6'4, 230lbs, and starts cussing her out. They argued cussing at each other for about 1 minute; stupid girl... stupid city.

We ended up making our way in the evening to see the White Sox play the Twins, that was fun! The White Sox played really well, not to mention the home run. Parking was fun though, not. It was going to cost us $23 to park! So we both said screw that, was we were trying to make our way out of the area this guy is like "I got parking here, follow me! You are luck you are white dude", haha, so we ended up parking for $13 down some back ghetto alley. Yes, I was scared for me life. Thankfully I drive a Corolla, no one wants to steal those rims! My car was safe when we got back, had all its wheels...

Jess wanted us to get some scalped tickets, the guy that hooked us up with parking told us to go to "Big John"... after the shady parking job I definitely wasn't about to take that risk! The game was a lot of fun though!

Here are some pictures from the drive home take in Indiana.... Enjoy

So glad to be home! Still praying and waiting for a job, but I am certainly thankful for the time I got to venture out of Lynchburg; total of 2100 miles.

Summer Adventure Part 2

2010-08-13T13:37:00.000-07:00

The week was full of playing cards, spending time at the beach (Lake Michigan), sailing, skiing, and playing lots and lots of Nerts. Nerts is a card game that apparently you have to be born with a certain genetic trait in order to be good at it- because I'm not! Althought I did beat Adam, Katy's brother, who is suppose to be all powerful when it comes to Nerts. Katy though, I never stood a chance. I would have take a picture of the scores of those games, but that would only be incriminating towards me haha!

I really appreciated my time there, it gave me a chance to really connect with God, and Jessica, honestly. I wish I had actually spent more time kind of meditating but it seemed we were so busy there that I really wasn't able to. That area is just so calm and peaceful that it allows your mind just time to literally dump everything and reboot. Since I don't have facebook anymore, I'll just post some more pictures from the trip on here in no particular order. I won't include anything in regards to Chicago in this post, I will wait and post those in another post! Enjoy!

Ending Summer Adventure Part 1

2010-08-13T13:14:00.000-07:00

I just arrived yesterday back in the great state of Virginia; let me tell ya, if you ever venture out, you will be glad to come back home! I think it's similiar to the way the zoo animals felt in Madagascar when they left the zoo! Bad analogy eh? I'm famous for those!

For starters, Jess and I left early Wednesday morning and drove to Cleveland, Ohio. We had a great time in Cleveland, ventured to the Rock n Roll Hall of fame and then went on a dinner cruise on Lake Erie. We were sat with another couple that were pretty nice; it's always fun to meet new people from different cities. You can def tell that the city is mad at Lebron James... hope he doesn't plan on returning!

Downtown Cleveland from Lake Erie

Picture from Rock n Roll Hall of fame- we took a picture of the picture because we didn't wanna pay for it!

We left the next morning for Pentwater, Michigan, which took us much longer than anticpated because of some pretty bad traffic and construction around Ann Arbor, Michigan.

I had such a great time in Michigan! This was only my second time going, but the place certainly feels like home away from home. One of the perks of the trip aside from it being such a beautiful place, is great friends! Katy and Brad are pretty awesome people and I have such great respect for them, especially in how well they are raising their son Miles, just don't say the word "cousins" around him, haha.

The first night we were there something really awesome happened; God made himself known. There were some personal issues that their family were going through and they were really concerned about a family member. Katy's mom asked me point blank, "What should we do?", somehow, somewhere, I mustered up enough honest to say "Pray". We then sat there in the living room, all of us, and prayed out loud of the situation regarding that family member. That honestly is what life is suppose to be about, not being ashamed of faith, recongizing God's power, and utilizing it! So don't just say, "I'll pray for you", do it! (Granted I did do that once while in Michigan, which I still feel bad about, but I was hoping to not offend someone).

So I got to try my first time at water skiing! Man it was a blast. The first time I got up, and then felt like my legs just wripped apart at the hips! My legs went everywhere. After the first intital shock of getting up and crashing, I started to have a real blast with it! I def want to learn how to wakeboard now, I think that would be a real blast. The second day we did it Jess was able to get up too; she didn't stay up long but she was certainly a trooper! Here are some pictures of us skiing.

OUCH! haha, man that one seriously hurt!

New Song

2010-08-13T11:58:00.000-07:00

So I felt like working on some music today and so I decided to pull a song out of the archive that my buddy Jonathan May wrote. I put some lyrics to it and started recording the vocals today, I still need to do some tweeking but this is what I've got so far.

I've fallen again, by the deceit in your eyes
Struck by the sin, that grows through your eyes
You've reach out your hand for me to take
Whisper your lies, telling me it's safe

You've lied to me more than a time or two
But still I trust in the things you do
You spin me around, break my knees
Drag me down, and take the keys

Chorus
You break..... me down
Down so far, I can't feel my pain
You break... me down
I can't lift my head, Father, send your rain

I need some hope, through your blood I'm alive
Some way to cope, not another to disguise
You reach out your hand for me to take
Its through your mercy I enter your grace

I need your rain to clense me now
To wash this pain, to make me bow
On my knees you lifted my head
Took this disease, and gave me bread

Chorus
Chorus
You break..... me down
Down so far, I can't feel my pain
You break... me down
I can't lift my head, Father, send your rain

Bridge
Take a look around me
This is where your found me
Send down your rain
Send down your rain
REPEAT

CHORUS

I'm kind of surprised I wrote this honestly. For me it was kind of a retrospective look on how I've lived, made stupid choices, fallen away from God. I think we have all felt this way more than once in our lives! Suggestions are welcome.

When Accidents Save Us From Disaster

2010-07-26T21:04:00.001-07:00

Many times we find ourselves in frustrating situations; when things just could not seem to wrong at a less opportune time. We have all experienced it; lost a job around Christmas, misplaced our keys before having to arrive at an important meeting, had something get lost in the mail...

Our interpretation of those experiences says a lot about the way we view life and shapes our thinking. When we can recognize that everything happens for a reason, for a purpose designed by God, it allows us to bring everything into perspective. It's pretty tough to maintain that perspective, or let alone venture outside of our selfish minded ways, to think "Oh yeah God, I lost my job today for a reason...." (Most of us at this point are ready to start throwing things and cursing God).

I have many examples where God has intervened in some ways that proved costly to me, but obviously not nearly to the cost in which I would have had to pay if he hadn't!

I took my car to Harris Tire the other day before leaving for the beach to get that tire replaced that got wacked by the piece of lumber on the expressway. Well to my surprise, turns out that tire, as well as 2 others one, were no good! Yeah, on the inside of each tire they were worn passed the secondary rubber and had steel showing. Basically, those tires were at a very high potential of blowing, not flat, but blowing.

Immediately I thought to myself "Wow, God allowed a tire of mine to be damaged on the outside so I would have to look at the inside, and brought my attention to something that really could have caused me harm". God does that, he allows things in our lives to come to force us to inspect our lives from the inside out, most everything that happens is symptomatic of an issue with the Christian Heart.

When something seems to be testing you, or frustrating you, appearing as an inconvenience, or accident, perhaps it's God's way of saving you from disaster. Don't neglect those warnings, see them as blessings in disguise; because as awesome as God is, he can't disguise those blessings for long!

Forgiveness; No One Said It Came Easily

2010-07-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been having a pretty difficult time with my spiritual walk; it has been pretty easy to say well "it's because I haven't made enough time for God", or "maybe this or that is distracting me from him"; all of which honestly I think could be perfectly valid reasons. However, God certainly has an interesting way of showing us what we need to hear, what we don't want to hear.

For me this distance has been caused by a lack of forgiveness in my heart. It's funny because I have been praying and seeking to give forgiveness for a while now. Often times our eagerness hits the battlefield before we are equipped, or even prepared to yield our sword when it comes to time of action, battle. I think I sat back on my knees praying for God to defeat my enemies for me- battles were not won without action, men had to step out in faith and fight for what they believed in with the conviction of God inside motivating them. Conviction for forgiveness isn't enough.

I find myself at a crossroads; where obviously our human nature LOVES holding on to hurt and anger, it fortifies us, makes us stronger, impenetrable, while offering forgiveness makes us very vulnerable, and some perceive it as a weakness. I spent quite a bit of time tonight praying that God remove those feelings from me, give me the desire and strength to forgive, because ultimately, its only keeping me from feeling God's love in my heart, and I HATE IT!

Genesis chapter 33 tells about the reunion between Jacob and Esau. Earlier Jacob had tricked their father Isaac into giving him Esau's birthright. Jacob then flees for his life because Esau has made a verbal commitment that he is going to seek Jacob and kill him! Who wouldn't feel this way?

Jacob begins to feel remorse for robbing his brother of what was suppose to be his; makes things right with God and gets his life back on track. Granted, Jacob got robbed of some things too, where he had to work 14 years to marry Rebecca, because he was tricked the first 7 years.

When Jacob realizes that he is about to meet his brother again, years later, he sends all sorts of animals ahead, almost as a peace offering, asking for his forgiveness. Esau, when he sees his brother, embraces him with love and forgiveness, doesn't even want to accept the peace offering that Jacob had sent before him. WOW. I know people have hurt me before, but here are two men that were able to forgive, embrace, show respect, and move on. When we forgive people, don't just say it, show it. The only true thing that separates Christians from non-believes is our ability to FORGIVE, because God forgives us. He has forgiven me for far worse things than anyone has ever done to me, so why should I hold back and not forgive someone else?

Forgiveness is not optional; its commanded by us through the blood of Christ that we so humbly accept. To not forgive, is to not accept the sacrifice that Christ made for us. I'm not saying that forgiveness is an easy thing that can happen in the matter of minutes; but a Christian heart is about action, about forgiving, about seeking to show others the love of Christ no matter what trespasses they have committed against us. Don't let your fallen nature keep you from experiencing God's love, because a hardened heart will only harvest famine. I don't know about you, but I was created to eat more than the dust of this earth, but to have life abundantly.

In short.

Forgive; so you can LIVE.

Test... Test

2010-07-19T17:32:00.000-07:00

Today I was borderline in making a freaking mountain out of a mole hill! I woke up today feeling in a very unmotivated mood; its certainly easy to do that when you don't have a job to wake up and go to. I worked on some music, relaxed a little, relaxed a little more, and finally decided to just get out of the apartment.

Minor annoyance #1;
I try to call Strategic Therapy and Associates to schedule my second interview; however the human resource manager wasn't in, so I left a message. Needless to say I didn't hear back from her today. I found it a bit frustrating because I really want to get my interview scheduled with the thought "the quicker I do, the sooner they could potentially hire me".

Annoyance #2:
As I am driving on 29 North, someone decided that the expressway could use a 2x6, perhaps they didn't think the asphalt was sturdy enough. I know that's just me being bitter, deep breath, I hit. I had no clue what I had run over until I look in the mirror; the car in front of me didn't show any signs that anything was in the road, and it was in a curve. Needless to say, my tire has a groovy knot on the side that is screaming "replace me before I blow!". Thankfully though I made it to my destination safely!

A few other minor things not worth mentioning, but I saw today as just a test of where my heart is. Honestly I had to fight off being a bit angry and bitter; granted it wasn't like I was ready to fly off the handle, but it was a bit discouraging.

The great thing is I ended the day getting some great news from my bank! I am able to extended my car payment so I can skip these next two months, wohoo! Just a reminder for people to keep a positive attitude even during the difficult times because there will always be some great news awaiting you around the corner!

Well, after a good dinner, nice chat with my dad on the phone, I think it's time to go shoot some pool with David. Oh yeah, and turns out I get to work tomorrow! God is good eh :)

Night!

The Book of Eli: God's Holy Hand In an Unholy Time

2010-07-18T20:18:00.000-07:00

I rented the movie The Book of Eli, staring Denzel Washington, and found the movie to be rather deep in nature. The movie certainly aroused quite a few ideas in my head that I felt I needed to jot down. The brief section below is cut and pasted directly from IMBD.com, figured it would save my the hassle of regergitating anything.

In a violent post-apocalyptic society, the drifter Eli has been wandering to west across North America for the last thirty years reading a unique book that he brings with him. He survives hunting small animals and seeking goods in destroyed houses and vehicles to trade in villages for water and supplies. When he reaches the village ruled by the powerful mobster Carnegie, the man offers a job to Eli to join his gang. Carnegie presses his blind lover Claudia to send her daughter Solara to convince Eli spending the night with him. The girl sees the book of Eli, and when Carnegie beats up on Claudia, she reveals that Eli has the sought book. Carnegie sends his gang to take the book from Eli, but the man is up for protecting the book with his life. Written by Claudio Carvalho, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil ~ IMDB.com

Since the earth has fallen to ruins by this point, no electricity, running water, scarce food; reflecting 3rd world living conditions, this man, Carnegie, is determined to find "The Book". This special book is the Bible. Through dialogue it is reveal that a great war had taken place to destory all of the bibles, apparently one in particular had survived, which had come into the possession of Eli.

My First Point:
What if we all had the passion to seek God's word, as if it were literally our only hope for survival?

Carnegie runs his own town; obviously the most wealthy and powerful man in the movie. However, he recongizes a need for the Bible, and has a gang of goons that go around searching for this book; however they end up killing and even raping people in search of it. Carnegie sees the bible as a way of obtaining power, by essentially offering people hope, manipulating the Truth, in hopes of brainwashing people into being obedient to him. Many times people seek a relationship with God in hopes of obtaining power or influence over people; only the Holy Spirit has that kind of power, not you, so get over it.

It just makes me question how fervently we truly seek to know God. These people who had nothing were in constant search of him, while the one man that had the knowledge, knew him, guarded it with his life. Eli later comes to realize that by him guarding the Truth with all his heart and life, that he failed to share it with others. God in Genesis, before there was sin, recongized that it was not good for man to be alone, even God created us for fellowship with him. So whether you are looking to misuse your Faith, or not share it at all, it still falls on the same line of injustice.

Point #2
God uses our weaknesses, as well as the unexpected, for his plan.

So Eli is guarding this book, has been for 30 years now. Towards the end of the movie in an effort to save a young woman's life, he reveals the location of the book, only to be shot afterwards (yet he lives). Eli's calling was to take this book and travel westward out of faith, to reach Alcatraz and relinquish it there.

When Carnegie gets home with the book and has his locksmith open it, he finds himself in complete shock. The book is in braille. It turns out that Eli can't even read! But God saw that there would be a book, designed specifically for what Eli could do, to perserve the Truth, hidden in a way that no one else would recongize or understand! So no matter what your weakness are, God designed those weakness to later bring him Glory, that I promise you!

Point # 3
Understanding God takes the Holy Spirit

When our hearts are not filled with the Holy Spirit, we might as well be trying to read braille when we open up his word. The words of truth and wisdom are not understood by those that do not pray for wisdom and discernment of the Holy Spirit. I think this also eludes to how God protects his reputation from being ruined by others. Obviously Satan loves to distort and manipulate the word, but that is only darkness; and when penetrated by the truth, the light, it is quickly revealed.

There are a few other things in the movie that I really liked as well. Apparently the Earth is found in it's present state because of a blast, a light that overwhelmed the earth, blinding some; now everyone has to wear goggles or protective shades (apparently a hole in the ozone layer allows too much light in). I see this from two perspectives; 1) We were never meant to witness God's glory and light in it's fullness on this earth because neither our mind, or eyes, could understand and fully comprehend it without some kind of consequence. or, 2nd) These people had seen the truth, become so sensitive to the light (truth), that they chose to wear goggles to prevent them from experiencing the truest conviction and love of God. Often we try to water God down, make him more loving, but less convicting. You can't have one without the other; it's through his conviction that we see his truest love for us shine. When we view God through tinted shades, we miss the brilliance of who he is, as if we are afraid to admit that God is as awesome as he says he is.

I'll call it quits for tonight, but I'm sure I will be posting further in regards to the movie. It was a good movie, not great, but I saw a lot of spiritual insight that makes me want to grow in my faith, being challenged.

God Bless!

A Joy that Only Comes From HIM

2010-07-17T22:09:00.000-07:00

He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips shouts of joy ~ Job 8:21

This verse was found at the bottom of page in my prayer journal for this evening; which hit me like a load of bricks. To reflect on the life that Job was living, to see how everything was taken away from him; his family, home, source of food, even his own health was plagued! Throughout all of this torment, GOD PROMISED to fill his heart with laughter, and his lips with joy. Question is, if God can fill us with these things, where does it truly come from?

After giving this some thought it's obvious; God gives us joy, and laughter. We often think that things in life are suppose to bring us joy; whether it be a job, or home, car, location where we live/vacation, loved one, family, whatever it might be. But God looked at job in the midst of him losing everything saying "believe, and I will fill your mouth with laughter..... and your heart will shout with joy". Job has soo many lessons that we should all be learning from. Yes, at times we all experience a bit of Job's life, but have we really been tested the way he was? I'm thankful that God hasn't sent that my way!!!

When we go through this seasons, seasons of unemployment, broken heartedness, frustration, pain, anger, confusion, whatever it might be, the purpose is God is refining our hearts so we can choose to have his laughter, his joy. It's a purifying experience, where we are allowed to accept him for who he is. I firmly believe, that when we are able to GRASP the TRUTH about who God really is in our lives, that's when hwe allows a seasons to pass over us. Just like I believe God would flood the earth if a plant didn't find a need to drink his rain, out of love, God would make that plant drink. Obviously we could choose to hold our breath, but God knows how to break our stubborness, besides, he created some of us to be stubborn about certain things!

I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed with love these days, thankful for the heart that God has given me; granted its taken a few trips of defibulation!

I would write more, but I need to convince my heart and mind that it's time to sleep! (Instead of day dreaming about what all God is doing in my life, and what he is preparing to do!) There is no greater joy than dreaming of his plan for you! Because then, those dreams are obtainable!

God Bless!

New song, New Phase, New starts

2010-07-09T21:51:00.000-07:00

Its getting harder to see, harder to leave, when my legs have been broken
Its getting harder to breathe, harder to bleed, when my heart's been broken.

That's a chorus to a song that hit me last week, the first time words actually came to me before the music did! I spent some time recording it, so far, I'm pretty pleased with the direction it is taking!

Anyway, so I took off for a few days up to Richmond to visit my dad, help out around the house, and thoroughly abuse his musical equipment haha. It was nice to spend some time with him, even though I had a lot going on with me emotionally there; stuff that I don't think I really worked through today until I expressed it through some music.

While I was there I helped him clean out his gutters, which required climbing eh approx 25 foot ladder, atleast I'm thinking it had to be that high, essentially three stories. At first I was soo nervous, shaky legged, praying the entire time I was climbing up! However, i realize a truth about me, and about many people while I was up there....

1) I am typically uncomfortable with new experiences; but I tend to adapt and get comfortable quickly; at times too quickly (for those that disagree with me, I'm sure you do, correct me if I am wrong!). Whether I'm running a bull dozer, excavator, or a new job, whatever, I get comfortable too quickly. In one sense it's a good thing because I think God can really use me with my ability to be flexible, yet, I didn't pray the 3rd time I climbed that ladder.

2)When scared, we pray to God, but once comfortable we rely on our previous experiences, or trust in the ladder we just climbed. Wow. I want to be someone that prays to God for protection every time! Because I need him every time! i never want to take for granted his protection and his guiding hand in my life. So I challenge you to not trust what you are comfortable with, or your past experiences, but give everything to God, let him be the one that provides and takes care of you.

My buddy Josh wrote a book called God Attachment, check it out, its being published and released in August. I haven't read it yet, but I'm pretty certain that it would discuss similar instances, where we try to deny our attachment to God.

I also realized that God, he listens to my prayers! So many prayers are beginning to show fruit and I tell you, it's amazing! Tonight I pray that God continues to refine my heart to be the man that he has called me to be, so I can make myself suitable for his blessings. I am no good on my own; I'm broken, fallen, and so self absorbed. But with him I become a thriving human being that just soaks in his love daily, which allows me to pour into sooo many other people.

Tonight I got back and did some more work around Josh's, got roped into having dinner with him and his wife, and two of her friends. Hearing all the talk I just really feel that God is grooming me for something really amazing. I don't know exactly what it is, but I do know this, when God sees I am ready and armed, he's gonna launch me!

God Bless and remember, he hears our prayers, he may not answer them as fast as we would like, but he hears us and knows our hearts!

It's a good day to believe in something bigger than me :)

Spiritual Maturity; Isn't Measure By Strength

2010-07-02T14:16:00.000-07:00

The past couple of months have certainly been a growing experience for me. Once we feel we have begun to hit that plateau of knowledge, God finds a clever way of humbling us, yet again. I find myself overcoming one challenge, to find myself at the foothills of yet another one.

Jerry Falwell always said "Either you just came out of something, going through something, or about to go into something". Truer words have never been spoken.

I'm writing today, just a shade over 2 months of being unemployed. Of course I have been able to do some work here and there, but nothing called permenant. This entire time I have been saying "God I trust you", believing it to my core, but lately I have found myself feeling a bit more "rocked". I really felt convicted the other night while doing my devotions, where Abrahm and Sarai could not have a child. They take matters into their OWN hands, even after God had promised them they would be the Father of many nations; only to have a son named Ishmael out of wedlock; and to be cursed.

I have been pushing, trying to knock down doors for a job (basically seeking work anywhere), and I remembed God telling me where he wanted to place me; Liberty University. I firmly believe that, but I just lost focus and was going every which direction frantically trying to make things work. I even took an interview in Danville, Va, hoping to find a job. I realized this week that I am not spiritually mature enough to handle working there. No offense to my grandparents, they are wonderful! But I know that satan would have his way with me while I was there, I would be so ungrounded, having nothing to hold me accountable. I would have to turn down that position because I know, God knows, I am not strong enough to do that. I have worked out of town before and it is TOUGH.

On top of that, God had to convict me of some behaviors I have chosen as of late. Trying to deal with moving on, relationship-wise, I started to meet new people, date. Wow. Only to realize that my heart isn't going to budge right now. All these people that I will try to hang out with, they will want more, more that I can't give. So, in one girl's eyes I am now an "ass", because I can't lead her on. It's not that I don't want to move on, but I realize that I can't make my loneliness a problem for others. I can't be selfish. I am amazed that God gave me that conviction and the strength to actually follow through with it!

Just a word of caution; there are no such thing as casual friendships or dating, or whatever. Emotions get invovled, fast. You will only end up either breaking someones heart, breaking your own, or getting into a relationship with someone that you wish NEVER happened. You can but a band aid on the wound, but that only traps the infection inside, which will spread......

I am really excited about the great things that God has in store for me this summer! I just have to keep my eyes on him and really seek after the things that he has spoken to me. When God speaks, don't forget his promises, because when you try doing it on your own, you only find yourself more broken and confused than you were in the first place!

Making Baby Steps

2010-06-26T21:23:00.000-07:00

Right, I can't complain about life. However, I do ask that those that read this please pray for me. I have been having to fight off feelings of loneliness. I pray that God takes those feelings away from me; can just be a bad place because that's when if you let your guard down for a min, you are sucked in!.... sucked into whatever the world has to offer.

I have been extremely disapointed in myself as of late. I have not been very faithful in doing my devotions and writing in my prayer journal. Wow. With that said, I GREATLY see a difference in my walk, my actions, and thoughts. God's spirit and presence is so infectious that it's like air, if you hold your breath for even a minute, your mind starts shutting down, going crazy. When we get out of the word for even a day, its like denying oxygen to our souls. The cool thing is that I recongize this and see the need to improve!

So today we had band practice. WOW. God is totally moving and blessing my talents for him, I can't wait to get some music recorded for people to hear it. There is soo much passion in it that u can't deny it! After practice I went and saw a band play in Wyndhurst, it was cool. Nice to spend some time with friends and meet some new folks.

Ok, landmark time. Im done acting like Im in a relationship; im not. So, with that being said, I'm going to start doing as I please, holding myself accoutable to God of course. I miss Jessica, but I can't keep holding back, I cant keep holding on. If its meant to be, it will be. Gods got the reigns on my life, and here we go!

Gnight folks!

OUCH!

2010-06-21T21:14:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning when I woke up for church I noticed that my leg was sore and that my lymph node in my groin was extremely swollen. I sort of brushed it off, asked myself what on earth I did to my leg, and assumed that I had done something and hadn't paid any attention to when it had happened.

So I carried out my business for the day, went Sunday School/Church, then watched the A Team with my bro, John, step-dad, his father, and two other distant relatives. The movie was absolutely hallarious btw! It was much better than what I had thought.

I better make this quick because my hands are starting to hurt pretty bad.... I ended up going to the emergency room late Sunday night. I went up to the triage nurse and was like "hey, I don't want to be wasting anyone's time, but this has got me concerned, can I just wait til tomrorow?"...apparently she didn't think it would be wise to send me away, so I preceeded to spend the next 7 hours there, woohoo. So basically what it came down to is I have what they call "streaking" that runs about ten inches up my inner thigh along the artery, its continuing to grow in length and widen. The streaking is apparently an infection that is moving through my body- the reason why the lymph node was swollen. Official diagnoses was Cellulitis; a subdermal infection of the skin.

My friend Jen works in the ER as a Physician's Assistant so she hung out with me for about an hour after she got off work. Which was nice because I was going nuts talking to myself, mainly the dialogue was "shut that kid up!". There was a deaf lady next to me who had kids that were screaming allllll night..... obviously she didn't see a need to do anything about that. (and the kids weren't being seen, she was, so I'm not that insensitive).

They did a bunch of bloodwork, which they butchered me during the process. The phlebotimist, I think she was an imposter, but she rolled one vein, and collapsed on in my other arm. So I ended up just getting an IV from the nurse there, she was wayyy better. Bloodwork back fine; still awaiting the cultures from tick born illnesses though. They also did an ultrasound to check for any clotting; I told the lady if she saw anything kicking not to tell me. Apparently they don't have a sense of humor at 4:30am. I have a cut on my knee but the Dr didn't seem to think that it was the cause of the streaking/infection. So basically I have a knee a tender thigh that hurts quite a bit at times, they gave me some pain killers, and some antibiotics as well.

Prayers are much appreciated; this things appears to be spreading more since last night and I reallllly want this taken care of obviously.

But all in all, God is good, he has a plan, and soo very thankful that this didn't happen while I was really in the midst of helping Josh with his house. When things appear to be going wrong, take a look and see how wrong things really could have gone! That will place everything into perspective. Also, look at everything as a test, just as Job did. It all comes down to our character being tested and how we will respond to specific events; will you handle it with dignity, or will you allow your character to crumble under the pressure. For a man whose character is tested, and is found to be solid and built in truth, he will find great reward and blessings. God doesn't bless a chameleon.

Goodnight :)

Love; Is an Honor

2010-06-15T20:47:00.000-07:00

Things have been pretty crazy for me lately; I have been spending every moment helping my buddy Josh remodel his bathroom, which in fact is starting to come along great. As we were praying about a week ago as we were wrapping up the evening, he started to cry. It was then that I heard the heart of an honest man recognize my willingness to help, as an expression of God's love.

Many of us have a very hard time accepting love, sometimes even just as difficult of a time giving it. The important thing to remember about God's love; its not a hug. We often associate love as being physical affection; which obviously God can't wrap us up in his arms (he could if he really wanted, but I'm sure my point is made). Instead, God utilizes PEOPLE; people like you and me. He takes us as being vessels for his love for one another.

So my challenge to all is to consider yourself as an outpouring of God's love that is meant to be poured into someone else; so that they shall know God loves them. For couples; consider it an HONOR that God has placed you in a position to not just love, but to be an expression, or outstretched arm, of HIS love.

When we recognize that Love is bigger than us, than this world is bigger than us, that is when we hold ourselves accountable to a much higher standard. That standard equals JOY and PEACE.

Caution; if you aren't loving as you should, perhaps then you are portraying God incorrectly? Love comes from him, starts with him, pours through him, and returns to him. Do your best, all you can, to show someone how much God loves them, not just how much you love them, but how much God does.

Goodnight :)

Demolition, Fun, and Staying Ahead of the Learning Curve

2010-06-07T12:37:00.001-07:00

So this past week has certainly been a very interesting one for me. Have you ever felt like you were so in-tune with the Holy Spirit that you felt uncomfortable and weird around something that you REALLY WANTED? That's powerful, hard to really accept for myself, but powerful nonetheless.

I have learned that the Holy Spirit draws close to people to warn them, to protect them, and give them an understanding and knowledge about some things that can ONLY come from the Holy Spirit. CS Lewis said "God whispers in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It's his megaphone to rouse a deaf world!"

Doesn't that make you grateful for pain? It certainly does me.

This weekend I helped by buddy/ Sunday school teacher, Josh Straub with some housework. Boy... some housework! He is getting married in 3 weeks and his fiance is back at home in Canada and he is needing to get all of this done before they get back from their honeymoon, I have a strange feeling I might be doing some stuff for him while he's gone!

So Bradi, myself, and Josh got started on the demolition on Saturday. We ripped out the vanity, cabinet, toilet, and shower, along with carpet out of two rooms. I spent all weekend sanding down the walls in the bathroom where someone had made a really awful design pattern, blah.

Yesterday was tons of fun! The water valve had broken when we turned it off before knocking out the tile, and had no clue what had happened! So Josh came by my apartment in the morning before church to shower, then I rode with him. After leaving church we pull onto 501 South and he's like "dude, I'm out of gas... " So I tell him to go coast across two lanes to pull back down Wards Road and he stops across from the Hess Station.

I see him come outside with a two litter bottle of coke chugging it, I'm thinking "Dude, why did you get a drink?", but he emptied it and filled it with gas, just enough to get us into the parking lot to get gas..... I had asked him several times if he needed gas before running out, haha... and his full title is Dr. Josh Straub... I think I should ask if it's an honorary degree haha!

So after we get the water temporarily fixed back at his house... he realizes that water is POURING into the downstairs bathroom through the ceiling, going all the way to the basement! So I run into the house, run upstairs thinking "Crap! I know I didn't hit any pipes!".... turns out the shower was on! And as you can tell by the picture... had NO PLACE to capture the water. The funny thing is.. just two feet away, our friend Steve Tozier was going out the wall with an electric sander and had no clue what was happening!

Funny, but created more work. Now I have to go cut the ceiling out the main floor bathroom and replace that. So tonight I think we are replacing the subfloor in the upstairs bathroom; it was badly dry rotted, and hopefully get his ceiling done as well, at least get they dry wall hung.

Some girls from our sunday school class were over painting, so we wrapped up the evening just relaxing grilling hamburgers after that big fiasco, man it was something else!

Well I'm headed back out, hoping that nothing else comes up! Also, I contacted a guy about a job in Bedford, awaiting a return phone call. God is in control.

Have a blessed day!

Closing A Chapter

2010-05-27T08:05:00.000-07:00

So today I guess is the closing of a chapter on my life, and then the beginning of a new one. I'm not exactly pleased to be in this phase of my life but I do know that whatever lies before me, is in God's hands.

I'm not exactly ready to let go of Jessica yet. Hopefully by the time I finish this blog, I will find myself a step closer to being able to. The past few months I have been holding on to her, holding on to the feelings that I have for her. Honestly, I have loved her more than any person that I have been in a relationship with; something about her allowed her to penetrate deeply into my heart. With that I send a word of caution....

1) Never get into a relationship when you are picking up the pieces of you. Yes, that person can sometimes know your heart and even *see* the person that *you are meant to be*. But only you know who you are meant to be, you must become that person before you can love someone for an extended period of time. Before long the super glue that you used for a quick fix slowly begins to be pushed through the cracks, as you scramble to keep everything together, you just more or less get in the way, God's way.

2) Find your identity in God, (not others). When your identity is in him, its concrete. He loves you because he made you in his wonderful image. I still have my days where I struggle with my worth, thinking that even God shouldn't love me. However, I see when I give my life to loving him, all that kind of goes away, it becomes a RELATIONSHIP.

I could write plenty more on the does and don'ts of relationships, I certainly know what NOT to do. Tonic has the line "if I showed you all my castles, could you teach me not to burn them", I have been in the business in burning every single one of mine for YEARS. Just a pattern of self destruction that I thought was self preservation. Or maybe I was hoping that one of those times I burned the castle, that I was inside of it, I don't know.

Through all of this, I felt it was my burden to learn how to love some unconditionally, in the worst of situations, in the times where I didn't feel deserving, in the times where the other person didn't deserve it either. I feel I have learned many valuable lessons through all of this, and know EXACTLY the hurt that I have inflicted on people, and to those of you, I say I am sorry.

Jessica lit up my world like no other. She posses all the characteristics and traits of a woman that I would be honored to spend the rest of my life with. The great thing about marrying the wrong person, is when you come across the RIGHT person, you know it. Unfortunately I had to let my brokenness get in the way, I have always tried to persevere, push through it all, throw it over my shoulders and carry on like I was some kind of hero. I have done that since I was child, in a home where up was down, and love unkind. I'm tired.

So I turn the page today to venture into a new era. An Era that WILL be characterized by my unwavering faith in God, by walking in his light, and being obedient to the will and calling that he has for me on my life; I will not fall.

The days and the nights have been long this spring, but I am ready to rest in the peace that God has for me. I can't hold on anymore.

Tonic - Nothing is Everything

If you can't see this
If you can't be this
Maybe it will come back
To where you thought it left you

So if you can't see love
And if you can't be loved
Baby it'll haunt you and everything you
will do

'Cause you're not going home
Everything, everything has changed
So we run and we try to erase the words
we can't take back
Again

So if you can't see this
If you can't be this
It may never come back
To where you thought it left you
So if you can't find love
That you can want enough
Baby it'll haunt you
And everything you can't do

'Cause you're not going home
Everything, everything has changed
So we run and we try to erase the words
we can't take back
Again

So if you can't find love
Or you can't be loved
Maybe you should go back
To where you thought it left you

So if you won't see this
IF you can't be this
Maybe you should come back
To where everything was nothing

God makes everything beautiful in it's time. I pray it has a time.

From Resistance to Worship

2010-05-23T19:36:00.000-07:00

So much has happened in the past month since I have written in my blog, and I have certainly had to face even more life changing/altering decisions. But nonetheless, God is directing my path day by day.

So for starters I have decided to go back to school in get my masters in Worship Studies; I want to be involved in worship ministry. Whether its leading it, writing it, whatever, I want to be there!

As well I have a good book idea about many messages that God has been speaking into my heart, I really need to get started on that one!

All in all, life has just shown me the Truth for my life, something that I pray that everyone finds for themselves as some point or another; preferably sooner than later!

Time to do my devotions and get some sleep, tomorrow, great things are going to happen!

Adios!

He is Alive!

2010-04-19T08:15:00.000-07:00

So this past weekend, what an amazing experience! It all started with getting with the guys and jamming; we wrote soo much music, good stuff too. We were all filled with soo much passion and it transcended through our playing, such an incredible outlet.

Saturday morning I woke up and went and helped with Rebuilding Communities Together. I found myself scraping paint off of a porch for the first part of the day, followed by much painting. It was just a great feeling being able to get back into service, being a servant to others. The lady was so very appreciative of all that we did, but it wasn't appreciation of our work that satisfied with me, it was me answering a call from Christ to go and serve. There is no greater feeling than setting yourself aside for a Saturday to be a servant to someone else, no greater feeling.

Then came the concert. Caleb Chapman opened, such an amazing artist. He passionately played a short set of "Captain Turn This Ship Around", "Kingdom of Me", and a few others. http://calebmusic.com/

"Kingdom of Me" really spoke to me. Spoke to me about how my hurts and selfishness have led me to fortify myself, not letting anyone in, but once you get outside of the walls and you look back, you see nothing but emptiness. Its a great song, I would post the lyrics but I can't find them online.

"Turn This Ship Around"

"Love came out to play today, left my heart in disarray. I'll pretend it's all okay, still my heart knows something's missing. I don't know the reason why, hope has colored in the lines. Captain turn this ship around, I've got to find my way back home. Down to words I cannot keep, caught in this endless game of hide and seek. I failed you once and I'll fail you again so why does it feel like there's still hope here? I don't know the reason why, hope has colored in the lines. Captain turn this ship around, I've got to find my way back home. When darkness fell into cold of my heart I found hope. When the sky lost its color to the rain, I found hope Find me waking up to say I don't know the reason why, hope has colored in the lines. Captain turn this ship around, I've got to find my way back home, my way back home, my way back home."

Out comes Tenth Avenue North..... pulling tears from me on nearly every song. They helped me so much when I was going through my divorce, their words were empathetic and validated my feelings. Today, they continue to do that and made it such an incredible experience for me.

Casting Crowns truly led a night of worship! I don't think I hardly laid eyes on the band because there focus wasn't on them, it was on uplifting Christ and bringing our hearts to true worship. I was at first sad that I went to the concert by myself, not having Jessica there with me. But, looking back, it allowed me to truly just worship, it wasn't about the company I shared with someone, it was about connecting to God in such a true and incredible way that words can't even explain or attempt to capture the essence of that experience. I KNOW that I have been forgiven of my sins and they are as far as the East is from the West. Satan has no hold on me and I am not defined by my past mistakes or failures! This is where the true healing begins, where I know I have a destiny to fulfill.

Sunday morning I went to the Imitators class at Thomas Road. Such an incredible class, such an incredible group of believers that seem to truly have a heart for God. I truly believe that God brought me to that class to get connected with the awesome group of people there, especially the men in that class. They appear to be very active and do lots of different community based things. Every Wednesday too they get together at the Prayer Chapel, go through a short study and PRAY. They are very dedicated to prayer, praying for one another, our community, our country. I'm smiling and getting excited just writing about this stuff, ha!

So God has shown me to no longer be empathetic, or consumed with apathy. I refuse to be indifferent and I will stand up for Christ in love. In Sunday school we talked of Stephen, who was stoned. Many in the class said it would be easier to stand for Christ when facing certain death than it is to stand for him in the every day events of the world. Don't be deceived my friend! You will do what you practice and if you let moments slip by where you are apathetic towards your faith and sin, then Satan will bombard your mind with your short comings when or if you are called to stand for Christ, and you will crumble! It's interesting, God has been speaking to me about many different messages, perhaps some things that I need to start writing down and organizing for myself.

It is my prayer for everyone that they are able to experience the true joy of the Lord that only comes from him. During our trials and struggles, he strengthens, fortifies, perfects..... and settles us!! He will place on a foundation that is so strong. That my friend is something to be joyful about! He promises us that!

Also, if you are down and depressed, stop listening to people and music that makes you feel like you are justified and validated in your emotions! Satan can use Christian music to bring a man down to! Instead, actively worship Christ, recognize who he is, and when you come to an understanding of who he is, you will be in the presence of him, a presence that shall bring you joy that is unspeakable, that is more than sufficient for us to persevere through this life!

God Bless!

Never Know What You Got Til It's Gone

2010-04-16T11:03:00.000-07:00

So I took a few days and went back up to Williamsport, PA to escape the madness of life. It was a really great time for me to get my mind clear, to refocus everything back to where it needed to be. It really is a nice area up there. Part of me has considered moving away, just get away and start fresh somewhere else, try to make life a bit different for me. I know that moving away doesn't solve anything, your problems, pains, regrets, past, all that does follow you. However, maybe it would offer me some space to just "breathe"?

As of right now I know that I am here in Lynchburg for a purpose, I feel God has placed a few people's souls heavily on my heart to be a good friend too and show them the Love of Christ. God has done soooo much work in my heart recently that honestly it's probably the most intimate and real experience I have had with God in a very very long time. I've come to my breaking point where I have realized that I need him more than he needs me. I had to set aside my pride and accept that his ways, his thoughts, are soo much higher than mine. Lately I've done nothing but find ways to saturate my spirit with his Love, Grace, Mercy, and just the presence of him. He has opened my eyes to soo many selfish mistakes that I have made over the years, shaken the ground beneathe for me so I have been forced to hold on to nothing but him.

I really do miss being a servant. This weekend I'm signed up with a group from Thomas Road to go out into the community and do some community based work projects, what I will be doing I have no clue! I remember growing up I use to do so much work with the church, helping put on tins roofs, painting, planting shrubs, out back swinging a machette, helping stack or split wood for people. God has always called me to be a servant, to be realize that life is about more than just myself, but about helping others around me. I think that this experience is going to be a really good for me, perhaps something that I make a habit of doing again, especially with the nice weather coming up.

At campus church on Wednesday, Ergon Caner really point out something to me that was soo true. If you want healing; YOU HAVE TO ask for it and seek it. We to often sit around and wallow in our pain, hoping someone will come by to lay their hands on us and see us in our misery. But we are called to step out in faith and ask others to pray for us. That's where PRIDE comes in. We can't let go of it. Can't admit that we need help, need something bigger than ourselves. I found myself being very prideful, unwilling to admit that I needed the help of others, needed the help of God. I firmly believe now that we are made stronger through Christ in our times of weakness, because he has the ability to make us greater than we ever thought that we could be.

I was thinking that we find ourselves in the boxing ring with God. We push him away, start swinging at him, he casually dodges our blow by stepping to the side, we get angry. Start swinging harder and harder at him, as he moves our momentum carries us against the ropes where we grow weary and fall to our knees. It's here we have lost the battle with God, and the only reason that we get up is to crawl out of the ring because our PRIDE has been hurt, we are embarassed that we were beaten without him defending himself, or trying to hurt us.

The other problem is, while we are swinging, we miss, but we don't really miss. We recklessly hit our corner coaches, our friends, our families, our loved ones. We aren't able to see clearly because pride and anger have taken over, we can no longer see the consequences for our decisions.... sometimes we catch on quickly, while others, we have to knock everyone out on our side and hit the mat before we can admit defeat.

I'm tired of swinging. Tired of fighting his love. Tired of hurting those around me that want to support and encourage me. I don't want my only moment of strength to be me crawling out of my responsibilities because my pride was hurt.

Anyway, just wanted to get that out there. I felt like a lot of us do this from time to time but creates a very clear picture of what we experience when we box with God.

Here are two songs that have really spoken to me lately, one by Josh Wilson, the other by Toby Mac.

"Before the Morning" Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

"Gone" Toby Mac

I told the girl that you should treat her like a lady and
She told me all the things you did and it was shady, man
She said that what you say and what you do are different things
While you were telling me that you were checking out them blingy rings

She said she's had enough
Well, it sounds to me like you're straight out of luck
And she said she's all through
And life's not blowin' her kisses thanks to you

I wanna know, wanna know what you were thinkin'
I can't imagine why it didn't even sink in
They say you never know what you got till it's gone
(Never know what you got till it's gone)
I wanna know, wanna know what you were thinkin'
I can't imagine why it didn't even sink in
They say you never know what you got till it's gone
(Never know what you got till it's gone)

She said she's had enough
So, it sounds to me like your still out of love
And she said you weren't true
And life's not blowin' her kisses thanks to you

She said it's gonna be alright
Cause God made a way through the pain and he opened her eyes
And she said you came crawling back
But after what you did to her she wouldn't have any of that

So Where Am I at Now?

2010-04-05T06:40:00.000-07:00

So lately I have been having quite the rocky road, ups and downs, mainly downs, but man the ups have been tremendous! The ups have been from the personal relationship with my Christ Lord and Savior, the one that continues to redeem my life despite ALL of my short comings. Lately I've been smacked pretty hard upside the head and found myself looking around at all the things that I have done, the way that I have acted, even just my personal thought life, and realized that I have been crazy! I drifted so far away from the things that meant the most to me, in some ways, I even feel those things have had their own momentum, carrying them even further away. Its a slow Fade, as casting crows likes to call it, we don't crumble in a day. It's just so deceiving, its like when you are flying down the road and see two trains, the furthest one gives the appearance that its moving, but its not, sometimes it really is and you think that it isn't moving, regardless, you are confused and nothing to set your vision straight, nothing to ground you.

I went to do the 50 days of prayer, found myself in a room at the Wingate hotel overlooking the city of lynchburg with soo many prayer concerns that were placed before me on the board, concerns that put my life into perspective. I sat there and wheeped at some of the requests, requests that had broken my heart. One lady had said "pray for my husband to stop emotionally abusing me". or "pray that my sons return to cross" "pray my son can lead his wife to Christ and get back into church"... all of these things that I have done or prayed for myself at some point. I wanted to put my heartache up on the board soo badly and have people pray that God will restore, I had to take it back down only to replace it with my own struggle. I was honest. I was real. I said exactly what needed to be said, no sugar coating. I have been doing soo well lately with my life with Christ, with running after God without any fear of rejection, just passion and love. I feel that I came around too late for some of the people in my life.

It's not about them though. It's about me. Its about me being proud of the person that I know i can be, the person that I have been numerous times in my life. Dammit I am sooooooo tired of hurting people, hurting myself! I want to give myself totally to others, give every aspect of me to help them, to encourage them, to lift them up, to bless them, to love them, to let them see the truth living ever so deeply through me that its infectious!

Christ said that his thoughts are higher than ours..... his way are higher than ours. I want that for myself.

Tenth Avenue North- Time. Let this be my prayer.

I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

I love her.

I've been a fool....

2010-03-29T07:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't written on here in quiet a while. Certainly a lot has taken place in my life since then, some things worth mentioning, others not. I just got back from a wedding in Pa, my good friend Joey got married to a really great Godly woman. I had the honor of being the best man, even though I certainly don't feel like it.

In my life we find ourselves being a fool for many reasons; sticking aluminum foil in the microwave, some have too much to drink and hurt themselves, others insult people and embarass themselves, then their are some that are a fool for love. Taking the blind faith of trust and hoping that love can conquer anything that comes in the way, a fool for a great cause. We never feel like a fool until it all fails and crumbles beneathe us, slaps us in the face repeatedly, feels like sand being kicked in our face as it scratches our eyes and no matter what u do you can't numb the pain.

Today I feel like a fool for regrets. For believing that jus because I isolated myself as an island that my actions didn't hurt those around me. I now get a chance to really be the fool; just thinking about all of the bad choices and mistakes that i have made that have done nothing but come full circle to crush me. I certainly feel what goes around comes around. God, I'm listening. I'm learning whatever it is that you have to show me, my heart is open to you despite all the pain that I'm feeling inside. I just hope that my heart will atleast continue to breathe, continue to feel and not completely shut down, I feel it closing up with every day that passes by. Father, I need your strength to support me and to resist these walls that my heart wants to build, I want you to be the one that perserves me. I want peace. I want love. I want all the blessings that you have for me that i have consistently denied from you. I want to be your servant.

On The Upward Swing...

2009-11-12T13:55:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I made my last post; things have certainly been pretty crazy for me. Perhaps I should have turned to his forum a bit sooner to help vent my frustrations; instead I think I was kind of like the deer in the middle of the road, blinded by the lights, paralyzed at the legs....

So a little over 3 weeks ago I lost my job with Central Va Community Services. For those of you who follow my status' at all on facebook I'm sure you have seen lots of complaining on my behalf of kids hitting staff. For those you don't, yeah that's what happened.

Our kids were flipping out all the time, throwing stuff at staff, hitting them, cursing, completely out of control. I kept saying for a long time "We need protocol for when kids hit staff"... I was told to "deal with it". So this continued on for some time, being abused by kids, feeling hopeless and unsupported by those around me. After being kicked between the legs numberous times I had about had enough. So the company had seen I was getting frustrated, tried to find me another placement so they said, and then let me go. That was the scariest, yet happiest moment I had experienced in a long time....

So the job hunt began, working part time with David and Cecil, trying to make the ends meet. I had several quick interviews, one job offer that I didn't want to take, and really just handed everything over to God; asking him to open doors for me, closing the wrong ones. Well, just turns out that I accepted a position yesterday for a job in Roanoke, Va as a Mental Health Supports Supervisor. Basically, the job that I was the least qualified for, I was offered first! How does that work again? The other interviews I nailed and was very qualified for.... this job however is certainly a blessing from God and I'm going to take every effort to glorify him with it!

So I start Monday and I am extremely excited! Hmm... so got a wisdom tooth cut out this past monday, our volleyball season for city league started Tuesday, we won 3 out of 5.

So right now I'm excited for the weekend and can't wait to spend some time with Jess. God is good right now and I just really challenge anyone and everyone to trust in the Lord, you are in the position that you are for a reason. He is directing your path and as long as you know that, you know that he will bring you through anything. When the Lord is on your side, whom then shall you fear?

One Well of a Weekend

2009-10-05T18:09:00.000-07:00

So this past weekend turned out to be quite the experience! It started off well with a call from my brother, inviting Jessica and I go to out to dinner with him and Lara. We had a nice dinner at Chi Chans; sort of ended up being a mini celebration for Lara who got a new job! Woohoo!! It was nice for the 4 of us to just hang out and really spend some time together. It's nice to finally see my brother and I truly happy.... Thank God.

So Saturday morning the adventure begins! I go over to my grandparent's house with David to help fix their well. So we do some minor work, go to pull up the pump a bit; everything is fine. Later I accidentally dropped an adapater that was VERY difficult to get out of the hole it was already in. Well, we set the pump back down, further than where it originally rested. So when we try to pull the pump back up.... it won't budge! Yes, that's right, it won't budge. So we try to pull it up all together (John has arrived by this point), and I suddenly feel a sharp pain in my lower back. So I spend the rest of the day leaning over like an old fart. So then David manages to break a metal T while trying to maneuver this thing out...... down goes everything..... so there is a pump and pipe sitting atleast 55ft from the surface. So unless we can fish it out.... they have to drill a new well :(

So I'm typing this up while being nicely medicated with pain killers and muscle relaxers. I think the cortisone shot helped; but the doctor thinks that I have a Herniated disc. Yippee...... this stuff makes my face itch! Atleast it stops the pain!

So that was my wonderful weekend in short haha. Good grief. I'm ready for the next weekend and Wild Fire weekend. Ok, this was a short entry, but I'm tired. Gnight

Determined to Overcome: My Churchly Frustration

2009-09-20T15:18:00.000-07:00

So over a year ago I found myself in quite the crossroads; where I had to choose between the path inwhich I was heading (a miserable self-destructive relationship), or walk away in hopes of finding something, anything, that would bring peace to my life. Being someone who looks to others for wisdom, I sought out the advice from a well respected council at Thomas Road Baptist Church. Here, is where I found myself more hurt and confused than before I stepped into his office.

The first words out of this man's mouth were "Real Men Don't Leave". I came to this man for advice, reassurance, validation. Instead this man takes the first opportunity to cut me off at the knees and further destroy an Ego that I was soo strongly trying to restore, after being beaten down as a man for years. I thought this person would offer me hope, lift my spirits up, show me who I was through my creator, God. Instead he preceeds to tell me how hard his first year of marriage was; as he was married to a former Miss USA. His stories were heart wrenching, no man likes being yelled at while vaccuuming. I found myself feeling as if I was put on trial, guilty before proven innocent. I do realize that his position does require him to encourage couples to stay together, to fight through it all because they had taken a vow to God. Although his stance was accurrate; his message lost love, hope, compassion.

I further prayed to God to give me some kind of assitance in my current crisis; I made the decision to walk out of that marriage, to step out into a place where I was left to fend completely for myself. But most importantly, a place where I felt that no matter what, no matter who, NO ONE could keep me from following the desire to serve the God that LOVED ME FIRST. As time went by God continued to bring peace and redemption to my life; finding myself connected to the most amazing woman I had ever met (Jessica), as well as her family, healing my spirit and character from the inside out. I found myself beginning to act like a MAN. Someone who had a purpose, someone who had value to his life. No one can truly understand what it is like to not feel like a man unless you have been there, but in short; you feel worthless and completely incompetent in no matter what you do...... So REAL men don't leave eh? Real men also don't stay in the fire to needlessly sacrifice themselves either.

Why am I ranting about this now? Well, this morning as Jessica and I were making our way out of church we were approached by this man and his wife. Here I am, leaving excited about the message, about how God delivers people from certain death, from the Lions Den, when you are faithful and trust in him. I had made some great decision where I refused to compromise any longer; one of which was leaving the band I had been playing with for about 2 months.

This man proceeds to tell me how when we "try to fix a fix a fix a fix", that it takes God that much longer to work and fix our lives. I was so outraged!!!! He basically told me further how big of a mistake I had made by leaving Melinda.... as I stand there beside the most amazing woman that I have ever come across that has been such a healing for me... this man tried to take away from that! I swear to you I wanted to punch him right in the mouth! I could not believe that audacity of this man to tell me what was right and wrong for me. I spent the ride home in tears; outraged, frustrated, wronged, filled with doubt.... all of this because a man that could have been happy for me decides to tell me how I have screwed up.... Screw you man, screw you!

I know that I was no angel in my marriage to Melinda and I certainly made a fair shair of my mistakes; I am not taking away from that. But seriously, a minor scolding about how you don't know how to vaccuum?!? Before you read this, this could be quite personal and read at your own risk........

THIS SECTION HAS BEEN DELETED (after careful review felt it was too personal to be public).... your welcome mother

So Mr. WHOM I will not say, I have OVERCOME 100xs the crap that you will ever have to deal, and I will continue to overcome life's obstacles, my bad decisions. But I refuse to be disrespected and have my pride stripped from anyone other than my Creator, Savior, Merciful Giver; Jesus Christ. I answer to him and only him. I will pray daily for you, for I do not want those who aren't as secure as I am to take your ill guided tongue lashing blabber and feel more pathetic for themselves than they already do. Christ gives Life, Love, Peace.

Peace.

I am entitled to OVERCOME.

Holden Beach Update :)

2009-09-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

Col 3:23- Whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men......

So I am relaxing down at my favorite place in the world, Holden Beach, N.C. We had quite the bumpy road though getting here mainly because the house we were suppose to rent got double booked!- and we got shafted! So we managed to find another place; which is actually quite nicer in my opinion.

Tonight we all (myself, my mom, David, Jessica, and Cecil) went surf fishing this evening; quite the blast I must say. I found myself getting quite frustrated early though, often reeling my line in without any bait! One time my line actually snapped!...grrrr.. So Jessica and I were fishing side by side, thinking that we were tangled, but instead pulled two fish in..... mine was a Lady Fish... how queer is that right? Jessica proved to be quite the fisher"lady" tonight, only her 2nd time out there and caught four fish... and a crab :) Shes's a special one :)

This was my catch of the evening; a 7lb Red Drum. Jessica and I were talking and I thought I got a bite, thought I set the hook...... but then my line went completely slack! My thought was "AHHHH my line broke, AGAIN!"... As I make my way back up the beach my line just takes off... woohoo, I got a fish! As I try reeling this bad boy in the winder on the reel breaks! So I'm running up the beach yelling for help because I can't real, thankfully I am able to drag this sucker in haha.... This provided major redemption to my evening :)

So David manages to snag a 14lb Black Tip shark. Apparently he put up quite the fight for him too. It was pretty cool to see this sized shark; we guessed had to be about 3.5-4 feet long.... I guess there is not reason to explain why David was grinning!

So Jess and I had a great time fishing together and I am really thankful that we have been given this time to spend together... I say this as she is sitting next to me.... but hey, she updated her blog too! :) I guess I should go spend some time with her! Adios folks!

Rocking Tuesday Out and a Weekend Recap

2009-08-25T05:08:00.000-07:00

I got to work this morning really early to just allow myself some chill time, get all my ducks in a row, and prepare for another day in paradise! Yesterday our kids were actually pretty good compared to the way we ended the school year. I just hope that it continues on this path because I've certainly learned not to pray to God for patience!

Friday night our softball game didn't happen, the other team forfeitted. Which really upsets me because I think it's completely unsportsmanlike to just not show up at all! We really wanted to play! We are in 4th place and the tournament starts next week, we shall see what happens!

Since the game was cancelled, Jess and I headed early up to Richmond to help my Dad out. It was too short of a visit with him but was able to get some trim around some outside windows replaced. Had a nice storm that blew threw midday which REALLY cooled things off; that I was thankful for! My dad appears to be doing a lot better, getting a little bit better each day, finding his personality a little more each time I see him. I'm definitely thankful to God and give him the continuous glory for all that he's done so far for him.

Jessica and I got to spend Sunday together, went to church, followed by lunch with my mom and David, and his cousin and his wife. Then Jessica and I pretty much did nothing, oh yeah, wait, we watched "Before The Devil Knows You're Dead".... horrible movie with Ethan Hawk. Blah! Haha. Man it was rediculous. But we had dinner, ate out on the porch and had a good chat which was really nice. We had time to really analyze our relationship and see where we want each other to improve, as well as making room for God to improve. I truly love her and she's an amazing woman, God has certainly blessed me with her.

Had band practice last night which went pretty well. I'm beginning to get really excited about some of the stuff that we are working on and where God will be leading me with this group. There is a lot of talent and things are really beginning to click with us. Hopefully soon we can start laying down some tracks for a demo. As far as we know, we are looking to have our first gig/show at the end of September. That should give us plenty o time to get our act fully together we hope haha!

Hope everyone has a blessed day!

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God; this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His good please and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2

Darker Nights

2009-08-23T19:05:00.001-07:00

I carry on, stumbling in the the dark
But I'm not alone, by his blood he left his mark
Only to prevail, through the pain of this world
Alone I have failed, in your strength I'm alive

Chorus
And I will follow you,
into Darker nights
Where you hold me down,
Break beneathe the sky

You feel so alive,
Reaching for my life
Will you hold me down?
Or break these chains and fly?

I struggle too, believing in anything but you
But you'll find a way, to break my heart today
And You will carry on, guiding me through the pain
Where all hope is gone, you reach out and call my name

Chorus
And I will follow you,
into Darker nights
Where you hold me down,
Break beneathe the sky

You feel so alive,
Reaching for my life
Will you hold me down?
Or break these chains and fly?

(Tenative work in progress)..... feedback would be great, still needs some work

Tonic and More

2009-08-12T10:49:00.000-07:00

So I am sitting here at work listening to the Charles Billingsly cd, the one from his live performance at Thomas Road. Let me tell ya, it's amazing how crazy this thing can set my attitude for the day! It's definitely a true blessing.

So Jess and I got away last weekend and went to Raleigh, NC to Moore Square Park for a free concert. Got to see Tonic and Marcy's Playground. Not really a fan of MP but was able to shake hands and meet the bass player who seemed pretty cool. Tonic definitely put on a great show and those guys really showed me how music should be performance; with a smile and with passion! They were soo incredibly passionate about the music and you could tell that they missed playing together; maybe this could mean another Tonic album? :) So Jessica and I had a great time, despite getting back home at 2:30 in the morning.... wahhh!

So work today has been entertaining... not. I have gone through charts and dated signatures for people that typed their notes. Apparently there has to be an authentic date beside the signature if they are not hand written.... my skills today were put to some great use today! Worked it out so I have Friday off, hopefully if they weather permits Jessica and I can put the canoe in before our softball game! Keeping my fingers crossed :)

As far as things with the band, they have been going really well. The other guitar player quit so now I am playing guitar and singing... back to my comfort zone! We recorded a song the other night, poor quality though, still need to set things up ride, but the song definitely has some potential. Just have to work on some vocal parts for myself and find a way to tame the drummer! Haha.... it's always the drummers! Jonathan (the other guitar player) and I seem to have pretty good chemistry with writing music; that has me very excited. He wants to start working on a Myspace soon so hopefully I can have a play to direct some of you people sometime! I think God has certainly blessed me with this opportunity to express myself... and boy am I doing just that.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. "Be joyful always; pray continually; gives thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for in Christ Jesus."

10th Avenue North

2009-07-29T19:44:00.000-07:00

So I pulled out an old cd from last summer, 10th Avenue North. Immediately the cd just evoked so many crazy emotions, reminding me of the place that I was this time last year. God has brought me so far from the place that I stood a year, year and a half ago. I no longer have to walk around with my head down, being comfortably numb in my feelings of inadequacies. No more fighting, within, or with others. No more being devalued and disregarded.

I'm very frustrated right now that God has brought me through so many things in my life, salvaging my life from the ruins that it had been with my marriage, then divorce, to the amazing relationship that I have with Jessica today. I still find myself taking things for granted, taking advantage of the circumstances that I have been given, the blessings. I feel like I've allowed myself to fall back into square one, losing my true appreciation for God's grace and his blessings. Passion, the energy and fervor for life, love, friends.... seems to be a struggle to find at times.

I'm longing again for my relationship with God. I feel him knocking down the walls of my heart, through the tears that he brings down my face. I'm tired of being stubborn and trying to acheive everything in life on my own. I'm tired of serving myself and persuing the desires that will only bring my non-eternal joy. I want to be filled, renewed.....

I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?

Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?

Counseling today as aboslutely amazing. Everytime I go I fill so uplifted, seeing the different sides of God that promotes healing, evokes such strong passionate emotions. Today I've just begun to realize that everything in life is more than just a choice; its a value of importance. How we choose to make our decisions directly reflects the level of importance we have towards said thing. If I am choosing to sin, I am telling God that he is not important to me. Same as if I choose something over Jessica, I am communicating the same thing. I've slowly begun my down that slippery slope of selfishness and I'm tired of it. I'm ready to be a servant, ready to put myself second, or last.

Yeah, I feel You fallin'
Like the rain against my skin
And I hear You calling
Your voice like thunder in my head
But now I am stallin'Cuz I'm afraid to let you in
Yeah, come break me down with Your mercy
Come break me down again

I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours, You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Won't You break me

I just pray that God breaks these walls down and continues to bring healing into my life.

Cuz I need your strength to feel this weak
I need your touch to fill my need
I need your strong hands to carry me
Take me, break me, set me free....

It's not that I want God to heal me, but I need him too. No longer can I allow pride and self-sufficient attempts to persevere. I'm definitely starting with the small things.

Goodnight

A Restful Weekend...

2009-07-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

Woohoo it's the weekend! So last night we were suppose to have our softball game but the other team had to forfeit since they did not have enough players. It kind of stunk, but yet, was nice to just scrimmage and goof off for the evening. Apparently though when I am having fun I joke in ways that I shouldn't!..... So yeah, I wasn't hitting very well and my next to last time up to bat I see the center fielder cheating in... and I was lucky enough to hit his way... and I creamed that ball haha! So yeah, I start running and see its way over his head and I shout "It's overrrr yourrr heeeaaddd".... in some weird frat boy voice... man I totally embarassed myself, aside from the fact I made it home....I apologize to Grace Baptist! Was happy though to take two easy wins and find myself some rest since I've been dealing with an obnoxious cold. The worst part has been the antiobiotics that the Dr gave me that won't let me eat!!!! Arrgggg......

So Jess convinced me into getting portraits done over at Sears. The pictures actually came out really good, aside from the hair cut that I received at Master Cuts that looks like the singal bars on a cell phone when its completely spiked up.... I think I need to pay them another visit!

So getting to enjoy a restful weekend with Jess, thankfully nothing is scheduled on the books currently! The past month's Saturdays have been..... All night softball tournament in Richmond, Trip to Pentwater Michigan, 4th of July family festivities, Topsail NC Beach, Smith Mountain Lake.... Something else.... Smith Mountain Lake again... so needless to say its time to rest! Next thing is seeing Tonic perform in Raleigh NC August 8th.

I've spent the past few days working on some music and trying to find my niche in this new group that I may be a permanent member of. We had a great practice before and really looking forward to Monday nights practice. We jammed to Silvergun and Superman by Stone Temple Pilots and an original the guitar player has.

I think this might be a great oppportunity that God is opening up for me to express myself, really move past some things, as well as witness to other people. I'm really trying to remind myself that whatever I do in life I want it to uplift God and be a witness for him. I know that I will find strength in him and I will not be able to succeed in anything life without him. Too often I find myself trying to do things on my own, without seeking his guidance. I really want to have the heart of a servant and be used for whatever opportunities that he has given me and will give me. Perhaps this blog can become sort of a personal accountability for me?

God Bless!
Steve

Just a thought.... Creed "Unforgiven"

I kept up with the prophecy you spoke
I kept up with the message inside
Lost sight of the irony of twisted faith
Lost sight of my soul and it's void
(chorus) Think I'm unforgiven to this world
Took a chance at deceiving myself To share in the consequence of lies
Childish with my reasoning and pride
Godless to the extent that I died
(chorus)
Step inside the light and see the fear of God burn inside of me The gold was put to flame to kill to burn to mold it's purity

- It bothers me that people, including myself, feel this way at times

One EXTREMELY long weekend

2009-07-19T15:03:00.000-07:00

So this weekend started with some pretty nice storms rolling through here on Friday. Thankfully our softball game wasn't rained out; however it would have kept us from getting our butts spanked by the best team in the league. Ironically however Jessica found herself playing on their team in an all night softball tournament in Richmond.

We went up Saturday to Richmond to visit with my dad and step mom. Helped out with some pressure washing and car jumping (my car has found itself doing that several times this weekend). Had a nice, but short visit with them and really hoping that my dad will feel better soon.

So the softball tournament begins! I tried to be a head cheerleader but it was very difficult when I wanted to play too haha.... not to mention its hard to stay awake at 4 am. Jess and the team played well and were undefeated by the time we had to leave around 9:30am. Yes, they played from 9pm til the next day. I like softball, but I don't think there is anything that I could do that long without sleep!

We came straight back to Lynchburg, caught a quick nap, then headed to Peaks View Park for my.... this might be a mouthful, my mother's husband's cousin's son. Which would make him my Step 3rd cousin... right? Realized I was no good at frisby golf and only goofy people are good at it... I'm not bitter, seriously. Then got my butt handed to me in corn hole as well. All in all it was a good afternoon at the park, nice weather.

Came back to have to jump start Jessica's car, praying that it starts in the morning! Anyway, time to spend some time with my sweetheart..... movie, or nap? :) Definitely still exhausted....

Hello Hello!

2009-07-17T19:27:00.000-07:00

So I've decided to welcome myself back to the blogging world. I used "ujournal" for the longest time through college and it was a great way to keep all the nosey critters in my life up to date. Haha, truth is it was a great way for me to vent! Thankfully though most of the stuff going on my life has been really positive so the vent sessions will hopefully be few and far between. I'll be certain to Title those blogs with some kind of "toxic" label when at all possible.

Got a busy weekend ahead of me so maybe whenever I am done with my endless adventures I'll be certain to post something. Adios